Home > Bathroom Etiquette, Introductions > Dr. Colonic – Squeezing my way into your life

Dr. Colonic – Squeezing my way into your life


Sorry, I just came out of the on-call room after squeezing out a semisolid wonder. Not a thick rectum-stretcher, not one of those after-pulsators that deliver their pleasure in a fading echo, no—but highly satisfying nonetheless: a near-fluid duke, making the journey from intra-rectal to extra- in less than a half-second, delivering an almost supersonic emptiness high. Shudder: intense. The sequelae of my pepperoni and sausage with a lot of hot sauce.

But enough. I’m not trying to get you all up and jealous. This post isn’t even about you anyway.

I’m DrColonic, yes a for-reals doctor who managed to somehow make it through interviews for both medical school and residency despite my love for creating hilarious awkward social situations via my well-placed inappropriate comments. It’s not that I don’t understand social norms (I think), but shock-educating people out of their comfort zones via knowledge/references to their body is just too hilarious to pass up. Interestingly, I still have friends, and when one of them invited me to share my wisdom about the amazing world of our butts, it was difficult to pass up.

I have to read (or at least pretend to read) a steaming pile of scientific studies for this job, and since my brain is often in that mode, you will most likely be exposed to many liberally paraphrased chunks of academia from journals such as the Annals of Fecology (copyright on that name: mine), mixed with my own inappropriate insight. One of my goals is to teach you the Art of Awkward  Conversation Using the Gastrointestinal and Genitourinary System, since I can only write on this blog and can’t be there with your soon-to-be-smaller circle of friends via the Internet. Note: I plan to make this technology available as soon as possible (working title: Doctor Colonic’s Insta-Blog Virtual Presence). Until then, you have only my words to help you along the path.

Sit down son. We need to talk about Inflammatory Bowel Disease.

Pictured: impolite conversation.

“Yeah my bathroom is just down that hall. Did you know the rectum is just a big vault for your poo?”

This is gold, people.

Or maybe I shouldn’t set up any goals, since that means you have to work to achieve them. Hmmm. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I told you I was on call, and so should get back to work. There’s a patient here with a highly inflamed rectum on his CT scan. I can only imagine the generous volume he must create. Tip: do not make jokes about inflamed rectums when one so inflicted is in the room.

  1. ThePapaSquat
    June 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Welcome Dr. Colonic! Looking forward to your insights.

  2. June 11, 2011 at 3:56 am

    We will bask in your doctorial wisdom. If we say anything that is not anatomically correct, please feel free to correct.

  1. July 7, 2011 at 12:29 pm

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