Home > Business Crap, Topic Discussion > Poop In Business #1: The Urinal Speech

Poop In Business #1: The Urinal Speech

Everybody in the business world has heard of the elevator speech, right?  Broadly defined, the elevator speech is really about finding one’s self standing next to an important person or decision maker in a place where that person cannot escape for at least 15-30 seconds.  This is your chance!  Don’t waste it just standing there you fool!  You must get your point across quickly and effectively, whether that is a sales pitch or a simple introduction.

I’m not sure why the elevator was so lucky to be crowned with this title as there is a place even more secluded and captive than an
elevator.  This place is the urinal.  For businessmen like me, the “Urinal Speech” is a CRUCIAL element to securing a needed budget, making introductions to a seldom seen superior or validating your freakin’ existence at the company.  Many of us spend less than 30 minutes a month with people of power at our companies.  They may recognize our faces, but they don’t remember our names, our functions or our purpose.  When it comes time to make cuts, our names are just ink on a page unless we can make a lasting impression of our value.  But we may spend up to 5 minutes alone a month standing right next to that same person, silently squandering minutes of valuable talk time while we aim our pee stream at the urinal cake.  All because we believe the bathroom to be a place of silence and privacy.

NO LONGER I SAY!

I recommend that we take full advantage of this fruitful time of bladder relief by letting out something other than urine from our genitals – let’s secure our jobs with words from our mouths!  Here is a recommended dialogue to get you started between me and my boss who I will call “Jack.”  All numbers and names are changed, but the point remains.

The HeShatSheShat Urinal Pitch

I watch the bathroom from my cubicle, eagerly awaiting Jack’s post lunch urinate.  As he enters, I quickly stand and find my
place comfortably at his left.

Me:  Number 1, huh?

Jack:  Excuse me?

Me:  You are going number 1.  You know, urinating.

Jack:  Oh, yeah I guess so.

Me:  That’s ironic.

Jack:  Why is urinating ironic?  I had to pee.

Me:  Because you happen to be standing next to your number 1 marketing supervisor.  Last year alone I was able to increase Hispanic consumer spending in the US by $140 million through a partnership with Telemundo and Bimbo bread.

Jack:  (turning to look at me and accidently pees on floor for a second) That was you?

Me:  While it was certainly done through careful management of my team, my knowledge of our consumer segments and analysis helped me determine the potential of the project and secure the budget.  Now I’m looking to double that growth through additional partnerships.

Jack:  Well that has been very influential on our bottom line growth, great work…(stumbles to remember name)

Me:  (shaking off drops of urine and zipping) HeShatSheShat, sir.  Thank you for your support.

Jack:  No, thank YOU HeShatSheShat.  I may want you to present that to the board next week.  Set up a ½ hour with my secretary please.

And that’s how crap gets done in American businesses.  I have yet to be fired and I thank the urinal speech for that.

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