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Gender Studies: Exploring the Male Poop Experience

I went to college once. This college was very Christian-Conservative. You know the type. While most of the student body was pondering the mysteries of the universe and their Maker, I had something vastly different on the brain: the mechanics of violent poop.

Luckily, I had a roommate who shared my taste for poop. She and I would talk for hours about all things fecal (we shared a room and most of the time woke up to an intense methane smell each morning—I’m surprised we weren’t accidentally poisoned to death by our own farts). One of our recurring discussions focused on what happened to men when they experienced violent diarrhea. Did they experience backsplash? And more specifically, did they get poo on their balls?

We decided to survey some of our male counterparts. The perfect candidate, “Al” showed up later that week, right at our door. He was perfect in that he was a quite rotund co-ed, and smelled of Corn Nuts.  He also wore overalls without any sense of irony. You know the type. We asked Al if he ever got poo on his balls, and he swiftly replied, “YES!” In fact, he told us that it’s a fundamental part of the male experience.

Our minds were blown all over our faces. All we could think to do at that point was pen a song. Our on the fly lyrics went something like this (sung directly to Al): Do you have poo on your balls? I think you have poo on your balls. Why do you have poo on your balls? I know you have poo on your balls. You got to have poo on your balls…

The song went on for minutes. So many minutes, that Al politely excused himself. But we didn’t care. He dropped some serious knowledge on us and we were celebrating through song.

I graduated that same year and feel absolutely grateful that my liberal arts/spiritual education covered the anatomy of poop.  Talk about higher education.

  1. June 19, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    While completely real, I would contend that it takes an unbelievable bout with diahrrea to really moisten the sack…or maybe your boy Al has an unbelievable long sack. If so, you might have missed out.

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