Home > Bathroom Etiquette, Personal Stories, Topic Discussion > Bathroom Etiquette #1: My Stubborn Poo Neighbor

Bathroom Etiquette #1: My Stubborn Poo Neighbor

To say my wife likes to work out is an understatement worthy of mockery. The chick loves to work out as much as a baby with a scorching diaper rash likes Boudreaux Butt Paste. But there are occasions when she comes home angry. Actually, I’d say livid is a better adjective here. The culprit? People who commandiere any machine that my wife wants to use for more than 30 minutes. You see, there is an unwritten (sometimes actually written) rule of ettiquete that says if a gym is crowded and all machines are taken you must get off a machine after 30 minutes. Its an amazing phenomenom. The majority of people actually obey this rule – possibly because we start hovering like a buzzard over a dead carcus when your timer hits 28 minutes. But there are those few people out there that could give a flying crap whether or not you get stuck on the recombinant bike for the morning (the pergatory of all workout machines). They feel fine walking for 1 1/2 hours at a ridiculously slow pace, barely breaking a sweat, all at the expense of your own enjoyment. It is a blatant sign of self consumption and greed.

As I walked into the bathroom this morning for my 10am dig, I was annoyed to see that the second stall was already occupied. What made matters worse is it was occupied by Mr Brown Cole Haan Loafers. I will call him Mr. Loaf for short. The side-by-side stall situation has very strong parallels to the workout machine issue already discussed. In both situations there is an unwritten code of conduct that guides what behavior is to be expected. In the bathroom situation the rule states that if you arrive after someone then it is their responsiblity to finish up, perform the awkward wipes, flush and leave – revealing his identity through the crack in the stall. It is always an awkward thing to wipe in the silent corridors of a bathroom when you know someone is sitting right next to you. So that burdon falls on the person who first inhabits the neighboring stall.

But Mr. Loaf has no respect for rules. He is a rogue that will screw anyone on his path to dumping satisfaction. And he will not be made ashamed. I have sat in there for 20 minutes, waiting for this man to give in, wipe, and leave. But he will not. He will sit there and force you to make the first move. He is no longer grunting any excrament out, nor is he texting. He’s just sitting there with a supposed stupid grin on his face and enjoying the fact that you are the weaker one who feels compelled to get back to work. Mr. Loaf, I hate to say it, but you are out of line. If you don’t chickity check yo self, you might find me poking my head under the stall to confront you one on one.

I mean, someone has to stand up against the bathroom bully, right?

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