Home > Personal Stories, Topic Discussion > Does Your Poo Splash You?

Does Your Poo Splash You?

A perfectly executed poo is a thing of beauty.  Like an Olympic diver off the 33 foot platform, the perfectly executed duke enters the water at such an angle as to generate minimal splash.  In the sport of diving this technique requires years of training and dedication yet our bodies have mastered it intuitively.  Fat or skinny, young or old, I would argue that we are all gold medalists at the sport of poo diving.  In fact, our body’s daily waste removal is so flawless and done with such perfect technique that the dreaded SplashBack rarely rears its ugly head.

Unfortunately for me, today was one of those ugly days.  For some unknown reason our bodies are capable of efficiently packing a poo log so tightly against the sides of our own colons that there is no room for gas to escape.  This leads to a collection of explosiveness directly behind the well-sealed poo log that, when released, rocket propels the poo log out of your anus and into the toilet water with such force that the ensuing tidal wave of water reaches up and kisses you on the anus and buttocks.  Although the cool urine/poo water is thrilling and refreshing it also pisses me off because I now have to not only wipe the sphincter but also the cheeks which can be tricky if you want to keep your hands dry and unsoiled.***

While extremely rare, there is a subtype of the standard SplashBack which deserves to be mentioned.  I call it the Greg Louganis.  Louganis is possibly the greatest Olympic diver ever, yet even he would occasionally drop a horrendous splash due to a freak occurrence like smashing his head on the diving board or platform as demonstrated in this video.

Most of the time the Greg Louganis is caused by one of the following:

Excessive log length and/or girth

Improper sitting angle

L or J-shaped log

Anus hair entanglement

Inconsistent sphincter contraction

One or more of these issues results in an improper release, modifying natural log trajectory and generating a baby tsunami straight into your backside.  Combine the two forms of SplashBack and you could literally be lifted from the porcelain and smash through the drywall of your ceiling.

***Now, please do not think that a liter of liquid diarrhea being rocketed by explosive gas at 100 MPH from your anus qualifies as SplashBack – your cheeks/balls getting juiced by your own feces is something completely different.  SplashBack is only on the table when poo hits water then water hits anus.  More on violent spray poo will be discussed in future blog posts, I assure you.

  1. HuPhlungPu
    June 25, 2011 at 2:55 am

    I’m digging the Louganis analogy. Well done.

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