Home > Topic Discussion, Urination > What Stance Do You Take on Urinating?

What Stance Do You Take on Urinating?

Every time I go to a baseball game (the only place where the line to the men’s bathroom is out the door) and stand in line to relieve myself of my game time beverage intake, I enjoy observing the various poses that people take when slippin’ out a squeege.  I haven’t quite figured out whether these stances are simply habit, based in physiological comfort, or whether they have some deeper meaning – but they fascinate me.  Why don’t we all just unzip, stand there, and piss the same way?  The number of urination styles are as unique as each one of us are unique, but there certainly are some that stand out.  Here are some of my favorites:

  • The Brace Yourself, Here It Comes:  You’ve seen this guy and wondered, “What the hell?”  He walks up, prepares his pieces, and then puts his palm flat against the wall in front of him and leans in for support.  How can he not be concerned about the germs on that bathroom wall?  Also, is he concerned that the explosion of urine from his penis is going to rock his world so much that he might fall down?  I think there is something psychological here, but I’m not sure what.
  • The Attention Deficit Pissorder:  This guy makes everyone uncomfortable.  Apparently 45 seconds of urination is way to long to concentrate on one thing, so this person begins looking around aimlessly for something to capture his attention.  Sometimes its a fly on the ceiling, sometimes its graffiti, but sometimes its YOU.  Yes, the attention deficit pissorder will look right at you or take random glances at your dong.  It’s not sexual, it’s just boredom – but still it bugs.
  • The Compensator:  You’ve heard the joke that when a man is violent, controlling, or power-hungry that he is compensating for a lack of girth/length in his genitalia? While I don’t know whether this has any validity or not, I do know there is a particular stance at the urinal that indicates someone is overcompensating for a lack of size.  The Compensator stands very stalky with knees bent, reeling under the load of his package.  My favorite part is that at the end he bends his knees rapidly to catch his enormous package in his pants because simply putting it back would be too great a strain. I have nearly busted out laughing as I’ve watched grown men drop 6 inches down as they catch their penis as it drops.  Come on.  Just put it back.
  • The Look Mom, No Hands:  This doesn’t take much explanation, does it.  But I love when someone takes it to the next level and puts one or BOTH arms behind their head as if they are laying in a hammock and not taking a piss in public.
  • The Thruster:  This guy can’t help but give his spray a little air hump.  I’m not sure if it’s a fascination with how his urine is hitting the porcelain or simply that his back is sore, but this pisser tends to arch his back and lean in to the urinal (almost a yawn) and then pull it back for a while.  Arch, pull, repeat.
  • The Whipper Snapper:  Okay, this is less about a stance and more about the finish line, but The Whipper Snapper cracks me up.  I’m wondering if this guy is in a hurry, but as he finishes his business he grabs and shakes with such force and speed that I’m often concerned about splash in my face.  The manner in which he shakes and stores reminds me of that Shake Weight infomercial…but on crack.
  • The Hunch Back of Squeegerdame:  This guy is in many ways the opposite of the Attention Deficit Pissorder in the sense that he is absolutely obsessed with looking at himself.  I can understand and even respect if you like to admire your tool instead of stare at the wall – but the Hunch Back of Squeegerdame takes it a bit too far.  This guy is transfixed and leans forward, arching his back outward to get a full view of the action.  I enjoy when he adds a classy spit or loogey onto the urinal pancake.

Have you noticed any other stances that I’m missing here that bring diversity and color into the public restroom?  I wonder if I fall into any stereotype without my being aware?  I’ve always considered myself a man of the masses, simply standing there and peeing while staring at the wall.  My shake is casual and my return is basic.  Or is it?  I think I’ll go pee right now just to see.

  1. ThePapaSquat
    July 15, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    My favorite is when a dude goes to give the shake (to knock off the last couple drops) but acts like his unit is the size of a tree trunk – even groaning under the massive weight that is his burden to bear – epic!

  2. dooganhowsermd
    July 25, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    PapaSquat – I always laugh at that. Always. Come on dude, just a flick of one joint on your pinky finger will get it done regardless of dong size.

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