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Listen to Nancy Reagan and Avoid Pooping Your Pants!

There is no question about it – drugs are dangerous.  Barbara Bush (or maybe Nancy Reagan?) was right all along – the best answer when someone offers you drugs is to simply JUST SAY NO!  What makes them dangerous?  Well, besides the toxins and addiction and long-term damage, they also impair your judgement or physical well-being and you may end up hurting yourself or someone else.  Now, HeShatSheShat is not here to judge or to lecture, but HeShatSheShat is here to advise and inform and I must, must, must advise you to just say no when someone offers you Xylitol (Maltitol, Glycol, etc).

Haven’t seen this offered on your street corner by the local dealer?  That’s because it’s not illegal – just hidden.  Xylitol is an artificial sweetener known as sugar-alcohol  and is often found in sugar-free candies.  Just like any dangerous drug, Xylitol can have the same immediate effect of altering your judgement and body in a way that can cause you to hurt yourself, others, and the property of others.  Let me tell you a first-hand story about why Xylitol is a killer, a social killer.

When I was about 24 I travelled to a nearby city to visit my dear friend, who I will call Beatrice, and we were staying up a little bit later than we should.  Everyone knows that the devil comes out after midnight – and indeed he reared his ugly head in the form of temptation that night.  We became consumed with the idea of having a competition of who could put the most sugar-free candies in their mouth and still eat them.  It started innocently enough with 4 or 5, but quickly escalated to the point that I had sugar-free candies stuffed so far into my mouth that they tickled my uvula.  I struggled for 45 minutes to masticate, suck and squeeze those candies into something I could swallow.  Eventually they had made it down and began their decent into my digestive tract.  It seemed innocent at the time and gave us a good laugh, something to do in the wee hours of 2am.  But eventually Beatrice and I were ready to call it a night.

As I lay on my blow-up mattress laughing about whatever topic (probably poo related), I noticed my stomach began to get very upset and scream at me in agony.  I thought that maybe it was dinner, or maybe just gas.  No sooner than I had noticed it, Beatrice began to complain about the same issue of gas and cramping.  It had to be gas, it just had to.  I could feel it working its little bubbles quickly down my intestines toward my unsuspecting anus.  When it arrived, I was ready.  Based on the way I was feeling, I knew there was a chance that it wasn’t just air.  I pinched to assess the situation.  Slowly I leaned to the side, just enough to allow a slight squeak of gaseous joy to leave my body.  It stank – but it was dry.  That was relieving, and I braced myself to rock Beatrice with a gigantic explosion of fart.  She would scream, we would laugh and cover our noses, and a night of fart wars would begin.

Wrong.  Dead wrong.  I spread by cheeks wide for the fart and instantly felt the juicy propulsion of liquid diarrhea spray against my underwear, soaking through to my thighs.  I flipped on my stomach laughing, pooping out an ounce more with each laugh.  Fortunately I was able to only soil myself, but the potential for disaster was there.  I was one of the lucky ones.  I was with a friend, not a girlfriend, wife or coworker.  And that, my friends, is why HeShatSheShat advises you never to eat sugar-free candies.  It just doesn’t pay – unless you want an amazing story to tell your friends.  Then by all means be my guest.

  1. dooganhowsermd
    July 13, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Just last week my wife and I both had a pretty bad gas/diarrhea combo. We were trying to determine what we had eaten that caused such a disturbance. My wife suggested it might be these new protein bars because they contained sugar alcohol. Sugar alcohol? That’s ridiculous, I thought. And looked at her like something was wrong with her. Looks like I owe her an apology. And I need some different protein bars. Thanks for dropping that knowledge.

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