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PDF – Public Display of Farting

Remember the Atkins Diet fad? Everyone was shopping for bacon and pork rinds, while bread and fruit fell into the gutter, man. That diet is messed up and it messes with your mind grapes. But, being female, I felt morally obligated to jump on the band wagon. The awesome part about being on this diet is that I actually gained more weight than I lost.

I attribute this to the Atkins friendly, no carb candy bars. These miniature bars (like, tiny) were about $4.00 a pop and I stock piled them like they were going out of style. I ate at least two per day, and my mind was so warped that I truly believed they were making me skinnier.

But no, no they di-int! Instead, I got chubby and REALLY REALLY¬†gassy. The stinky juicy kind. I mean, it was so bad that I couldn’t stand my own smell. I lived in fear that people would walk into my gas cloud and either a) pass out or b) assault me for assaulting them.

On one particularly gassy morning, I had to hop on the subway. I knew I was going to drop some major bombs on that ride, so I scouted the least occupied subway car and got on. There I stood, all systems go. I felt my butt muscles relax and I just let them rip. They were the worst rotten egg farts money could buy. And still, I stood there, staring straight ahead finally feeling some relief, refusing to look around at my victims. I couldn’t take the guilt of their suffering. Yet as I looked out the window in front of me, I saw the reflection of a little old lady sitting next to me.

She was innocently reading the paper when she caught my drift. In all my life, I was never shot such dirty looks. She made a point to take her paper and fan the air dramatically. She glowered at me with such scorn that I could feel my body turn red. I also saw the hilarity in this and had to hold back from laughing. I played it straight, continued to fart (because I was in some serious pain) until ultimately, she got up and walked into the adjoining car. I WON!!!!!

That little non-verbal exchange taught me so much about lifestyle choices. I’m not sh*tting you when I say I stopped Atkins that week and vowed to eat like a normal person again. I dropped a ton of weight once I went off the diet and my farts have since smelled like sweet confection.

The end.

  1. August 9, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    I think your story is awesome. Honestly, when I have crazy gas, farting in public is like a special little game I like to play. Where can I do it that will infect the most amount of people while still avoiding personal blame? I love to drop bomb in an elevator right before I get out to it remains inside of incoming passengers. The subway is always a great place due to crowds. I have also on a rare occasion gone into someone’s office at work, farted rankness, waited, and then left the smell when no one is watching. It’s fun!

  2. August 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    That is so funny. My mom and I went shoe shopping the other day and she bent over and busted a** and there for like 4 people sitting in the chairs right behind hers. Mwha ha ha. I loved it.

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