Home > Bathroom, Science > Evolution Should Un-Align Our Poo Cycles

Evolution Should Un-Align Our Poo Cycles

Did you know that women are like aliens? Okay, maybe a better comparison is this: Did you know that women are like fire ants? Now before you instantly throw the male-chauvinist stick at me, let me explain the similarity. It all has to do with pheromones. Let’s say you are standing on an ant hill and a bunch of fire ants start climbing up your leg until there are hundreds all around your thigh and crotch. You suddenly feel an itchy sensation, so you quickly brush your pant leg – only to be seized with the sudden feeling of hundreds of pinches all over your leg and dong bag. WHAT IS HAPPENING! I’ll tell you what. When you strike a fire ant, it immediately sends off a pheromone that tells the other ants to ATTACK THIS S.O.B.! And they do.

Well, one of the most fascinating and mind-boggling things I learned from my female friends was that women practically do the exact same thing! When women get together for long periods of time – like living together, working together, etc, they release pheromones that cause them to align their period cycle. Is that not freakin’ incredible? I’ve also been told that there are dominant women who always designate the cycle while others tend to be followers, mere pons in the game of period alignment. If this is the first time you are hearing this, then undoubtedly your mind has just been blown all over your face. If you have known this for a long time, I hope you still appreciate the craziness that is the female species.

But it got me thinking – what if we could release a magical pheromone from our butts that would cause those around us (apartment, work, etc) to NOT align with our poo schedule? Wouldn’t that be amazingly fantastic??? Here is the scenario. You start a new job and your regularity requires that you pinch a loaf at 10:30am on the nose without fail. As you enter the bathroom, you find that the other stall is taken and you’ll be forced to dump quietly and awkwardly next to someone you don’t know. Who will wipe first? Do I have to avoid farting? Does this situation require a courtesy flush? What an unfortunate way to pass a fresh dig. Well, in my dream world…my anus would release a sweet-smelling pheromone that would throw off the other person’s regularity, causing them to desire to poo at another time.

With all the minutes in the day we could definitely all have the bathroom to ourselves – we just need to align our cycles! Come on evolution – throw us a bone here!

(P.S. Evolution, I’d like to be a dominant pheromone carrier. I like my 10:30 shat blast. Thanks.)

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