Home > Advice, Parenting > You’re Welcome America! From Papa Squat

You’re Welcome America! From Papa Squat

Doogan’s amazing post about the bidet and its amazing ability to remove clingons, poo particles, and other uncomely items from our anus was a feast of knowledge upon all of us.  I thank you Doogan for treating this sophisticated piece of toilet artillery with the proper respect it deserves.  It also got me thinking about the crudeness that many of us in society are suffering with these days – and it’s all SELF inflicted.  You heard me.  Do not blame anyone but yourself for treating your anus like a dominatrix treats her gimp.

Allow me to show you the way America.  While nothing can compare to the cleansing power of luke warm water directly onto the most important muscle in your body, I just may have a solution that will put a smile back on your face.  Turn with me back to an earlier time in your life.  A time when you were blissfully unaware of the most important facts of life.  To you there were only 3 things to do in the world and damnit you did them well.  #1 sleep.  #2 poop.  #3 suck tit like your life depended on it.  I’m talking about your most formative baby years.  What does being a baby have to do with the sado-masachism that is an American bathroom?  Allow me to explain.

A baby is pampered, a baby is sensitive, a baby is taken care of!  What would happen today if a parent decided to change their child’s poopy diaper and clean them off with a bit of sandpaper?  Child protective services would be called and the parents would be hauled off to jail.  But this would never happen.  No human being in their right mind would do this to a child.  Baby’s are lovingly wiped down with sweetly scented, super cleansing baby wipes.  The tinge of alcohol provides a super potent cleansing agent that is gentle on the skin and anus yet dries quickly, leaving baby clean and refreshed.  Perhaps a dab of Desitin or baby powder to put the cherry on top of an otherwise pristine backside.  Now how do you take care of yourself?  The baby wipe was perfectly engineered to clean us off downstairs and yet we discard it as we become older for two-ply made from discarded newspaper and milk cartons???  What is wrong with us?!

So I invite you, America, to take the PapaSquat challenge.  Clean yourself properly this week.  Here is how I do it but I suggest you comment on your own methods for the education of us all.

Step 1:  As the anus is already lubricated with my own poo the initial wipe is usually acceptable with two-ply though I still prefer the baby wipe.
Step 2:  Now that the bulk is gone your baby wipe can really get to work.  Personally I opt for the one wipe per wipe but you may be on a budget and fold in half.  It’s up to you.
Step 3:  Notice tensile strength of the baby wipe as you really dig into things.  Did you get poo finger despite your extra efforts?  I don’t think so!
Step 4:  Allow a few seconds to air dry.  The crevices of your anus have been exposed to air for the first time since you were 3 years old.  Bask in your achievement.  Glow in the knowledge that you have now evolved over your fellow humans.
Step 5:  A shot of Gold Bond powder and your business is done!

Listen, only three things mattered to you as a baby.  I can’t really help you with #1 or #3.  I get it – life is busy!  We are stressed, fat, and need pills to get it up anymore.  But I can give you back #2.  So take my challenge and let me know how it goes.  One-third of your happiness depends on it!

  1. August 23, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Dude, this was an awesome post and response to Doogan’s post. I knew you were a fan of the wet wipes. As I have brought up the subject with other parents, I’m finding that it is has a huge following out there. I really need to hop on this butt-cleaning bandwagon.

  2. ventamatic
    August 23, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    i like this post, and we really need one of those toilets at work , like an over sized one for 600 pound people who cant reach their ass to wipe, lol

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