Home > Dating, Relationships > Bathroom Talk: A Turn-On or Relationship Red Flag?

Bathroom Talk: A Turn-On or Relationship Red Flag?

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Well, readers, it’s official: I’m in love! I’ve finally found a man who gets me. We go for long walks on the beach (I’m not lying). We bear our souls to each other. We tickle each other in all the right places. It’s kind of blissful. And I say this without hyperbole: part of why we love each other is our outspokenness and mutual love of bowel movements. In fact, when I disclosed my pen name, “Hu Phlung Pu” to my boif and let him read my posts on He Shat, She Shat, he asked, “Could you get any more perfect?” That’s true love right?

Since that disclosure, we’ve become more comfortable talking about poop. He’ll constantly inform me when he’s gone Number Two and I’ve done a lot of field observation of his bathroom habits. For instance, my boyfriend loves playing Angry Birds whilst pooping. When he’s at my home, he courteously lights matches so I don’t have to grimace when I walk in after him. And this is why I love him: when he pee pees, he always puts the seat down. I love that I never have to nag him about that one. Sigh…

In turn, I’ve felt complete comfort in sharing my adventures in pooping with him. I let him know that I’m a total Grumpy Gus if I haven’t pooped at least twice a day. He’s seen me at my worst–constipated for 2 days straight. I was not happy, but Boyfriend took care of me and still made me feel pretty, even when I felt like I weighed 3,000 pounds. I bloat a lot when I’m constipated, okay? I’ve shown him pictures of poops I was particularly proud of. I talk about poop frequency and success with him on the regular. My father once told me (many moons ago) that he believed the reason I was still single was because I talked about poop and farting too much and no man finds that attractive. Well, looks like Dear Old Dad should kiss my butt. I’ve sure shown him.

Yet here is where the lady in me starts to worry and my dad’s words reverberate in my ears. Could this one element that makes us love each other also be a true romance killer in our relationship? Sure it’s great now to be silly and talk about this stuff. And clearly the occasional loud surprise fart gets me cackling like no other. But could we ever overkill on this sh*t? I always want my dude to see me as a hot little kitty. What if my farts (even my queefs) begin to turn him off? What if his rotten egg bombs just aren’t funny anymore? Will it be too late to rekindle the flame? (And no, I’m not talking blue flames this time). Will this make us that gross old couple who’s given up on having relationship heat? (And no, I’m not referring to dutch ovens this time either).

I implore you readers, tell me: what is that delicate balance of bonding over fecal matters and keeping the hot sexy torch burning?

  1. September 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Here’s my advice Hu Phlung Pu. Three pieces.

    1) The second you can’t go an entire date, evening or conversation without talking about the subject, you’ve gone too far.
    2) Occasionally do something to class it up. For example, challenge yourself not to tell a fart joke for a month. Give the topic some room to breath for a while to remind yourselves that, hey, its not always romantic.
    3). Treat romantic times as such. Don’t let that be a subject during special dates, moments of intimacy, or important occasions.

    Follow my advice and it will never turn from a green flag to a red flag.

  2. HuPhlungPu
    September 17, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    hsss, you are truly the guru on this subject. bless you.

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