Home > Health > A Smooth Poo Is a Gift From Above – HALLEPOOJA!

A Smooth Poo Is a Gift From Above – HALLEPOOJA!

Your body can be your greatest friend.  In many ways it is the conduit towards some of the greatest pleasure a human can feel in this existence, whether that be through sexual intimacy, an amazing meal, or the best dump of your life.  It is only fitting, I guess, that the human body is the portal through which you experience the very depths of hell in the form of pain and anguish, whether that be through broken bones, scorching fevers, or the worst dumps of your life.  The other night a friend of mine and I were discussing the worst pain we have ever felt and it caused me to remember the worst two weeks of my life:
I was 17 years old and enjoying my last summer at home.  Our family had just returned from a vacation to visit our relatives and I was planning all the crazy things I would do with Papa Squat before we returned to my school as glorious seniors.  It seemed as if I was immortal – everything was before me:  senior year, college, travel, scholarships, friends, girls.  Nothing would ever keep me from my dreams.  I truly felt that my future was so bright, and I had my Oakley shades just to prove it.
It’s in those moments of immortality that your body will often decide to humble you.  My humility started with some simple diarrhea and some abdominal pain.  For the first 12 hours it seemed all routine – a little stomach flu or possibly mild food poisoning.  This suspicion was further strengthened by sister and cousin getting sick, and later reports of other members of my extended family.  But that night my stomach, anus and bowels unleashed on me the wrath and fury of the dark one – the Butt Satan.  He began raking my intestines with his fiery fingernails, causing me to bleed internally and rip open bowel scabs every time I had movement.  Nausea reared its ugly head and I began vomiting while shatting simultaneously.  I spent the next five nights sleeping on the bathroom floor, alternating between vomiting acid or dumping blood, crying in agony every time I had a BM.  It turned out to be salmonella food poisoning, and I had a terrible case of it that eventually sent me into the ER, near death.
It took me a long time to get over what had happened  – I became jaded, filled with a sense of mortality that no 17-year-old should have.  How could something that had once brought me so much pleasure turn on me in such a violent way?  What had I done?  What would have happened if I had died, lying on the floor in my own stool?  It wasn’t until later that I learned that all things exhibit opposition and that we need to respect and give thanks for the good.  Now when I take a calm, soothing, happy dump I nearly scream HALLELUJAH from the toilet seat.  Each poo is a gift from above.  Be thankful my He Shat, She Shat fans, and never take it for granted.
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