Home > Medicine, Science > Like a Sausage or Snake, Smooth and Soft

Like a Sausage or Snake, Smooth and Soft

Medicine is an inexact science. So inexact, in fact, that doctors have sort of a complex about it. We look at those mathematicians and physicists, with their equations, and their real solutions to things, and we get jealous. So we have to assign numbers to every disease. It happens in every specialty, from gastrointestinology (5 types of bile duct cysts!) to rheumatology to pediatric cardiology. It’s probably the worst in orthopedics though. Seriously, they have to number every freaking type of fracture every which way. Sometimes it makes sense, most the time it’s some dude who wants his name on a research paper. Pretty much every disease, there either is a numerical scale/categorization system or someone is thinking one up, right now.

It should thus come as no surprise to you that there is a numbering system for poo.

I’m sure you can identify with the mindset required (and if not, why are you here?) to sit on a toilet and, pondering the diversity of your dooks, wonder about where they fall in the natural order of the universe. Isn’t there some cosmic scale that can quantify what has only hitherto been qualified?

Yes. Yes there is.

If you can't classify it, don't push it out.

I'll give you a moment to fully take this in.

.It’s called the Bristol Stool Form Scale, and it was created at the Bristol Royal Infirmary in England. Jokes about oral/dental hygiene aside, the British certainly are ahead of us at the other end. According to some sources, types 3-4 are normal, though some sites claim 4-5 are the most desirable types. I guess it depends on how much you enjoy wiping. Yeah, 5 may get through you easier (indicating better colonic motility), but they do require some messy maintenance if you are pushing these out every day.
No one can argue with the awesomeness of type 4 though. There is no greater feeling than, answering the call of your distended rectum, you sit down and feel this sausage-snake slither out. Your anus barely bothers to yawn and you’re done. A single quick wipe with minimal residual and—what are you now going to do with all this extra time? Get work done, spend time with loved ones, play Angry Birds… all great options.

What was previously difficult to categorize and describe in your quest to attain mutual understanding with your friends and family is now as simple as assigning a number. Explaining your scat to doctors was the original purpose of the scale, as this guy tells us:

.Of course, Konstantin may just not realize that people don’t want to talk about their poo with him. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s important that once you now understand the gift you have been given, you use it. Facebook status, Twitter updates, your own personal blog—the world is now open to you. If you think people care about the fact you found a sweet baguette on sale at your local market, they are going to love the fact that you averaged a 3.5 today. How could they not?
Invite me to play Farmville and I'll kill you.

The beginning of another great thread.

.Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a magnificent 4 that’s been waiting patiently to come out while I’ve been writing this.
  1. September 23, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Dr. Colonic is back with another genius post! I love it. That chart blew my mind…I’m going to start referencing all my poos to those numbers and possibly teach to my offspring.

  2. September 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Please don’t make me laugh so hard when I’m drinking my morning coffee.

  3. Dookster
    January 31, 2012 at 3:37 am

    Aww thank you for this wonderful article! I feel so prospered in knowing that I have laid all afore mention dukes in my life

  4. May 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    I thought this was going to be a reference to objects inserted into the rectum, sorry, was disappointed (I think I’ve seen actual shirts of the bristol chart)

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