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Sphincter Replacement Therapy

Let’s be honest people….sometimes machines just do it better.  sometimes the animal kingdom does it better.  Regardless I am not so proud as a human being to not be incredibly jealous of either machine powers or animal powers that I wish I had.  I am on record as saying I wish I could fly over  almost any other power available to animal or machine on this  Earth.

However, the 1 thing I am MOST jealous of is the animal sphincter.

Now don’t go all Darwin on me and get crazy about how humans  have evolved well beyond our closest cousins and so forth.  There is no doubt  that the human as an animal crushes all others.  However, if I had to choose  between a dog sphincter and my own I am going DOG all the way.

You see  somewhere along the way our sphincters devolved into this weak, pansy muscle  that can barely hold back our own dukes.  Instead evolving into a self-cleaning  machine that can lay cable all day long and smell like a rose after, the human  sphincter has become saucy (literally poo sauce) and weak.  It cannot function without getting greased by the log to which it gives birth.  Therefore we as human, with our advanced brain, figured out a way to use leaves, grass, and other objects to clean ourselves, giving our sphincters an out and a reason to be flaccid and namby-pamby.

Essentially our sphincters are pedestrian at best and this disappoints me.  How much easier would life be if we could crap like dogs?  Got an urge to purge…just pop a squat in the park, drop a deuce, and move on with life.  Think of the time you would save – we would probably be living on Mars by now if not for the wasted time wiping our flimsy sphincters.

No more hole rot EVER?  How do we waste billions of dollars ever year building bridges to nowhere and funding fruitless medical research when we could be reverse engineering a human sphincter that could be surgically installed and more powerful than any animal.  We can circumnavigate the globe with ease but cannot go a single shat without wiping due to substantial tissue rot and damage?  Seriously?  This is wrong and I want it rectified immediately!

  1. October 24, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    A sphincter says what?

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