Home > Education, Health > There’s More Than One Way To Wipe

There’s More Than One Way To Wipe

Growing up I thought everybody wiped the same way.  We all walk the same, dress similar, and follow more or less the same rules.  I assumed everybody wiped the way I did.

Well I was wrong.  I have since learned that wiping is anything BUT standardized and deserves further discussion.  As an introduction allow me to discuss the most common wipes:

1.  One cheek sneak:  you shat upon your toilet but are too lazy to stand up.  You one cheek sneak it due to your supernaturally long arms and/or tiny butt cheeks that allow easy access to the anus.  This technique is super useful in airplane bathrooms where your knees are already jammed against the door and you are afraid any movement might cause the $0.23 cent piece of plastic keeping your uncomfortably exposed nakedness and streaked anus from the entire cabin.

2.  The reach around:  usually completed while standing.  Very similar to the one cheek sneak except that the individual is standing and may require a slight C shape bend forward to expose the anus appropriately.  Again, if butt cheeks are flacid or super long arms you may be able to do this while completely erect which would be AWESOME.

3.  Obstacle Course:  Also known as the reach through.  You are in a semi-squat.  With the chosen arm you reach through your legs, around the twig and berries and into the anus for a good cleaning.  This requires significant coordination and is inverse wiping from steps 1 and 2 (ie, back to front versus front to back).  Advantages include exercise while wiping as you complete the deep knee bends.

We’ll have some more discussion in the future but in the meantime, no matter which type of method you utilize, make sure you master it well.  If not your own defecation may come back to haunt you as a super nasty skid mark or poo-induced butt rot.

Happy wiping everyone – Papa Squat

  1. April 4, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    I thought everyone was a reach around until I learned that people actually do number three. I am 100% positive that they get their junk with spots of poo, and that is wrong. Don’t contaminate your nuts.

    • ThePapaSquat
      April 4, 2012 at 10:20 pm

      This is only the beginning HSSS…when I expound further your mind will simply be blown away!

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