Home > Humor, Parenting, Pregnancy > Pregnancy Made Me Do The Sickest Thing I Have Ever Done…

Pregnancy Made Me Do The Sickest Thing I Have Ever Done…

Not the sickest thing I have ever done.  I personally have never done anything as sick as the story I am about to tell.  A relative recently had a baby (who is freakin’ adorable, I might add).  She toughed out the labor and delivery like a champ without any epidural.  Unfortunately, there was some ripping.  My guess is there was a lot of ripping, and tearing, and stitches.  If any of you have had a wife have a baby, or given birth yourself, then you know that the weeks following birth are a bit sensitive.

Enter constipation.  The crappy thing about giving birth and pregnancy is that it puts your body out of whack in a major way.  This woman, who was already proned to constipation, became über constipated.  One day she called me, only to have this conversation:

Relative:  “I’ve been doing the sickest thing I have ever done.”

Me:  “What’s that?”

Relative:  “You know how I have been really constipated?  Well, I didn’t want to push to hard and pop a stitch, so I just decided to reach up there and pull the poo out.”

Me:  “So are you telling me you stuck your finger up your butt and dug your crap out?  Was it squishy?”

Relative:  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.  It wasn’t squishy though.  It was so hard that my finger barely made a dent in each nugget.  I had to dig in there all the way up to my knuckles to get something out.  I have actually done this about five times!  No matter how many times I wash my hands after, but finger smells like poo!”

Me:  “Why don’t you wear rubber gloves?”

Relative:  “AH CRAP I didn’t think about that!”

Seriously.  She has been digging her crap out with her bare fingers.  It is amazing what having a baby will cause you to do, all for the love of a child.  I wasn’t judging though – I could see her predicament.  I’m just glad I have never had to do anything that nasty.

  1. ThePapaSquat
    April 6, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Seriously how else can you get them out? If people judge they obviously do not recognize the pain of massive poo turds hanging out in the lower colon. The finger was the humane thing to do!

    • April 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

      basically, you are saying it was an act of mercy to oneself.

  2. April 27, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Wow that’s insane! That poor woman. She should try some kind of enima. If she does the coffee enima, tell her to make sure its room temp and not hot. I know of someone who used a hot cup of coffee to squirt up there – ouch!

  3. CaptKitty
    May 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    This is jaw dropping. I would take a laxative. I can’t even imagine what she must have been feeling. These are the stories that make me not want to have children. I don’t know if I would be ready to make such sacrifices and go through extreme pain. Props to that woman.

  4. Jen Smith
    August 4, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Sounds like utterly normal mad post pregnancy situation if you’ve gone through an episiotomy or tearing related stitches!

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