Get ready for a week-long dedication to baby blow out stories here on He Shat, She Shat! As parents, we recognize how much fecal matter becomes a part of your life. We will share with you our stories and hope you will share yours in the comments section:
It was a lovely trip to the zoo with my 9 month old. I love this age because they are old enough to really get the excitement of things and are no longer floppy and boring. Given this recent musculature development in my child I was able to do things I could never do before like carry him in one arm while he was upright, extend him over the younger elementary school children so he could see the Polar Bears, and of course, to ride him on my shoulders.
The ironic thing is that when it happened I was actually ducking for cover as a flock of geese had let loose a bombardment of excrement my way. As it was a warm summers day and my propensity to sweat were both in full force I didn’t think anything of it for a few moments. You would have thought that the smell would have triggered my brain but as many of you may know breastfed babies poo really does not smell at all.
It wasn’t until I felt it running down my collarbone and belly that I realized something was wrong. The blowout was occuring upon my neck and, being a concerned father, I had baby squished right against me as to prevent any possible falling. The waterfall of yellow seed blowout diarrhea poo was upon me, covering my entire torso and neck.
Aside from the misery of the lengthy trip home, wiping myself off with diaper wipes in a public place, and the knowledge that I was a terrible replacement for a diaper at least I can take solace in the fact that I wasn’t the only thing that was shat upon that trip. Wifey got a hairful of goose!
Growing up I thought everybody wiped the same way. We all walk the same, dress similar, and follow more or less the same rules. I assumed everybody wiped the way I did.
Well I was wrong. I have since learned that wiping is anything BUT standardized and deserves further discussion. As an introduction allow me to discuss the most common wipes:
1. One cheek sneak: you shat upon your toilet but are too lazy to stand up. You one cheek sneak it due to your supernaturally long arms and/or tiny butt cheeks that allow easy access to the anus. This technique is super useful in airplane bathrooms where your knees are already jammed against the door and you are afraid any movement might cause the $0.23 cent piece of plastic keeping your uncomfortably exposed nakedness and streaked anus from the entire cabin.
2. The reach around: usually completed while standing. Very similar to the one cheek sneak except that the individual is standing and may require a slight C shape bend forward to expose the anus appropriately. Again, if butt cheeks are flacid or super long arms you may be able to do this while completely erect which would be AWESOME.
3. Obstacle Course: Also known as the reach through. You are in a semi-squat. With the chosen arm you reach through your legs, around the twig and berries and into the anus for a good cleaning. This requires significant coordination and is inverse wiping from steps 1 and 2 (ie, back to front versus front to back). Advantages include exercise while wiping as you complete the deep knee bends.
We’ll have some more discussion in the future but in the meantime, no matter which type of method you utilize, make sure you master it well. If not your own defecation may come back to haunt you as a super nasty skid mark or poo-induced butt rot.
Happy wiping everyone – Papa Squat
Any bathroom above the temperature of 68 degrees is sick and wrong and I’m tired of dealing with it. There is a bathroom that I often frequent that either has a broken thermostat or is literally Satan’s favorite spot to drop a deuce. Why else would the temperature be a raging 80+ degrees?
Ultimately perhaps the biggest issue is the smell. Sure, I might sweat like a dog while trying to work one out, perhaps nearly passing out from extreme exertion. But I can deal with this. The smell however is something incredible. I don’t know why raging heat seems to super transport noxious fumes and chemicals directly to my nose for smelling pleasure. Its not life threatening or anything like the swimming pool farts I have discussed on this blog but it makes me queasy in the stomach. And its not fair. The bathroom is supposed to be a sanctuary from work/school/church. A spot where you can finally get a few minutes alone to think or text or whatever.
There is no way that a bathroom raging 80 degrees or more with super concentrated poo/butt/hot urine smells is a sanctuary. It’s a hotbox from hell and not the kind that makes me super hungry for some tasty tasty chips!
I was recently blown away by a gigantic log that I was able to drop. I was shocked at my talent and surprised that something that large could come out of me. Which got me thinking…about mammals.
You see the size of poop is super amazing. Why else would they have put a massive dinosaur boulder crap in the movie Jurassic Park? Because Spielberg is a genius and he knew that it would capture America! We are fascinated by poop and especially poop from other creatures.
For example did you know that tiny little dust mites in their 30 day lifespan poop 200x their weight in sweet shat feces. I swear there are so many interesting facts about poop that if there was a PhD in poopology I would quit everything I am doing to apply.
So my massive poop got me thinking about huge poop and got me curious about what a blue whale shat is like. Consider that the whale is a mammal like you and me but Mr. Blue Whale eats tons of krill on a daily basis. Each log must be the size of a human man don’t you think? Here is what I found: Whales shat pure liquid feces! Did anyone know this? Does it smell? What would it be like to have perpetual BU? Do they even have an anus or has it atrophied over the evolutionary years since it has no use? Are these whale BU shat’s the cause of the occasional rogue wave that suddenly rises up when the rest of the waves are status quo?
I NEED ANSWERS PEOPLE!!!
Recently I experienced one of the more dreaded poo experiences of life and thought I would share…but first an anatomy lesson.
Now ladies, I don’t want to shatter your world here but I feel it is time that someone comes out and just tells it like it is. We are going to be discussing backsides, primarily male backsides. Now I know you have seen the movies with the latest hot actor and his sculpted backside being put on full display. Note: just as “real” women are not like the stick thin models and actresses flaunted about on TV, nor are most of the average dudes you know like your naked movie actor guy.
Let me ask you a question? Have any of those man butt’s that you have seen in the movies ever had hair on them? I didn’t think so but I am here to tell you a lot of dudes have hairy butts and certainly a hairy anus. This is an indisputable fact! Recently I witnessed the truth of this fact being unleashed upon an unsuspecting young female and it was as if she had just witnessed a violent crime. Speechless, heart rate rising, palms sweaty, the world she knew and loved crashing around her.
So let this be a lesson to all ladies – if you cannot handle this truth I apologize but it is time that you knew. So why the anatomy lesson?
The point of this is that sometimes an anal hair and a poo log combine in just the right way…usually it requires the poo to be extremely slow-moving but soft enough initially to allow hair integration. Once the hair is integrated the poo hardens with a vice-grip like grasp on your anal hair. As the peristaltic motion slowly urges the poo out of your colon you feel a sharp prick, like a pin being applied to the innermost flesh of your own buttocks. This pinprick stays for seconds to minutes as the anal hair is stretched to its maximum length, its roots pulling your sensitive inner anus skin along with it until….POP…..
You may have child-birth but we have constipated anal hair rippage and let me tell you it’s a b*tch!
Maybe it’s just me but there is one thing that you will find on every corner of this Earth and relates to us all. You think I’m going to say shat but you would be wrong. While it’s in the top 3 it is not as prevalent as transport molecules. What are transport molecules? It’s an affectionate term that my wife likes to use when referring to pubes.
Call them what you want but they are everywhere. They grow spontaneously, shake loose at every turn, blow this way and that with the wind, and somehow find their way onto our clothes, inside of our cars, and most disturbingly into our food and drink. Seriously who hasn’t flossed their teeth with another person’s pube after accidentally ingesting it with a bite of lasagna? Feel free to dry heave but it’s true and you know it has happened to you.
So what is my point. The point is that the pube is underappreciated despite the major role it plays in society. It’s a cousin to shat and the negative stigma society attaches to it. So I’d like to throw a shout out to the short hairs and feel free to add your own in the comments section:
- Thank you for keeping my junk warm on cold winter days.
- Your shapes are diverse and fascinating. I love when a whimsical curly cue adheres to my jacket after getting off the bus.
- Next time you pick an eyelash off of your shirt just think – is that really an eyelash or possibly just an overgrown brazilian?
- Not getting enough fiber? We probably get more than we think thanks to transport molecules and their prevalence in our lives. How many do you think we ingest incidentally every day? 100?
- You are not racist, discriminatory, and do not hold a grudge. If someone shaves you off you just keep coming back. Your feelings are not hurt. Your gift is given to all despite race, religion, or creed.
- Like everyone you have your enemies. Your kryptonite is the evil alopecia.
- Sometimes you match the drapes and sometimes you don’t.
- You do not get old and turn gray or white but maintain your youthful luster forever.
I could go on but I want to hear from you. And remember, the next time you find a pube in your morning coffee, drink up and smile a knowing smile. You are now enlightened…
Ken Jennings is sort of one of my heroes. The Jeopardy champion, a defacto jack of all trades master of none, was sufficiently owned by IBMs Watson robot that he has publicly referred to himself as Watson’s Bitch. As I am a nerd/geek this should not surprise you that Jennings is one of my nerd superhero’s.
What does this have to do with shat you ask?
Here is a tidbit from his reddit “interview” that I think we can all learn from… “My Sunday school teacher, when I was a Mormon teen, once memorably advised us that “There’s nothing more overrated than sex, and nothing more underrated than a good bowel movement.” It totally worked…I don’t remember a single other sermon from when I was a kid, but I think about this guy exactly once a day, and then again once a week.”