Let me give you a tip from a brand new parent of two little boys (coming direct from www.brotips.com):
That is about as true as a statement as you’ll ever read – here on He Shat She Shat or anywhere else. If you are the kind of male that won’t play pretend with your kid when he/she hands you a toy phone, you can go ahead and consider yourself a sucky parent. Period. If you are that person, there is still hope for you – but it is going to require that you don’t be such a piece of crap and learn to actually care about something other than yourself. You up for the challenge?
You remember wrestling with your older brother or muscularly blessed friend and getting pinned in some sort of unruly headlock? I do.. Weighing in at a whopping 125 pounds when I graduated from high school (6′ 2″ tall), I was used to getting worked in any physical contact activity. There would come a point when the discomfort would turn to pain and eventually I would have to cry uncle, moments before crying or passing out. Despite any desire to avoid any loss of boyish pride, the pain was too much and you had to call for mercy.
Well…I wish there was an equivalent in the men’s bathroom. Just the other day I experienced something that has been all too common in my public bathroom experiences. I had just sat down for a morning dig when another coworker walked in, and annoyingly, took the stall right next to mine, despite there being a free stall two down. Fine, whatever. But then he began what can only be compared to the scene in Dumb and Dumber when Harry falls victim to Lloyd’s shot of Ex-lax. I could literally hear the splattering of fecal matter as it caked the entire bowl with shards of diarrhea. This continued for several minutes, followed by a stench of death that covered the entire bathroom with a black (green?) shroud. I plugged my nose and breathed through my mouth, but then I started to taste it so that had to stop.
The smell wouldn’t die. I still had one more log to push out, but I had to give up, wipe and leave. If ONLY I could have cried uncle or mercy (anything!) so that the person would know to lean forward and let the automatic flush carry away the stench bomb. Yes, I’m talking about the mercy flush! But alas, uncle doesn’t work in the bathroom – especially the work bathroom. So I held my breath and ran for my life, returning an hour later to finish the job.
Reading He Shat She Shat isn’t just about amazing laugh out loud entertainment and mind-blowing stories, it’s also about practical advice and amazing tips. Really we are the Project Runway or Biggest Loser of the fecal matter world.
That said, I wanted to share an extremely useful tip for putting off needing to urinate. Often times it is not convenient or even possible to take a squeege…maybe you are in a car, meeting or in an area with lots of people and no bathroom. Maybe you are at a critical part of a movie or concert. Whatever the reason…you have to put off urinating.
What I have found is that if you are able to squeeze out some farts, you will lessen the pressure on your bladder. But how is this done? Won’t the loosening of the anus also loosen the bladder? Possibly, for a second. I have found that in the attempt to fart there is a sharp pain in the bladder, but it is quickly followed with an alleviation of pressure, buying you at least five more minutes until explosion time. The more you can fart, the longer you can go!
Consider that my gift to you dear readers! Merry Christmas!
I am not doctor, so in many ways I wish Dr. Colonic was writing this post, but I have a medical concern and I need to determine whether this is normal or just me. First, to set the matter straight, I am a looker. This means that when I wipe my butt after a solid doogan, I check out the toilet paper to see how much poo is up on there. I like to determine whether I have cleaned sufficiently or not and I also enjoy the other information I get from the visual: color, consistency, chunkiness, quantity, etc. Well, nearly every time I wipe I notice there is a small little dab of blood on the toilet paper. This issue goes way back to 2005 when I had diarrhea extremely bad. The non-stop wiping and rawness and acid eventually caused my anus to have a little cut, or tear, or something. That cut bled just a tiny bit…and has not stopped since then.
Now don’t get carried away and think that I’m gushing blood into my adult diapers each day. It’s just a single, little dot that only shows up on toilet paper. Here is what my imagination has come up with: the cut can’t heal. I live in humid environments and its an area that is almost always slightly moist…so how could it heal? It’s not like I can stop taking craps and stop wiping for a week to let it heal properly So the problem just perpetuates day after day after day.
I’m thinking about getting a maxi pad and lacing it with hydrocortisone cream or something to see if that can help the situation. If you have or have had an anal cut like mine, I implore your wisdom!
Doogan’s amazing post about the bidet and its amazing ability to remove clingons, poo particles, and other uncomely items from our anus was a feast of knowledge upon all of us. I thank you Doogan for treating this sophisticated piece of toilet artillery with the proper respect it deserves. It also got me thinking about the crudeness that many of us in society are suffering with these days – and it’s all SELF inflicted. You heard me. Do not blame anyone but yourself for treating your anus like a dominatrix treats her gimp.
Allow me to show you the way America. While nothing can compare to the cleansing power of luke warm water directly onto the most important muscle in your body, I just may have a solution that will put a smile back on your face. Turn with me back to an earlier time in your life. A time when you were blissfully unaware of the most important facts of life. To you there were only 3 things to do in the world and damnit you did them well. #1 sleep. #2 poop. #3 suck tit like your life depended on it. I’m talking about your most formative baby years. What does being a baby have to do with the sado-masachism that is an American bathroom? Allow me to explain.
A baby is pampered, a baby is sensitive, a baby is taken care of! What would happen today if a parent decided to change their child’s poopy diaper and clean them off with a bit of sandpaper? Child protective services would be called and the parents would be hauled off to jail. But this would never happen. No human being in their right mind would do this to a child. Baby’s are lovingly wiped down with sweetly scented, super cleansing baby wipes. The tinge of alcohol provides a super potent cleansing agent that is gentle on the skin and anus yet dries quickly, leaving baby clean and refreshed. Perhaps a dab of Desitin or baby powder to put the cherry on top of an otherwise pristine backside. Now how do you take care of yourself? The baby wipe was perfectly engineered to clean us off downstairs and yet we discard it as we become older for two-ply made from discarded newspaper and milk cartons??? What is wrong with us?!
So I invite you, America, to take the PapaSquat challenge. Clean yourself properly this week. Here is how I do it but I suggest you comment on your own methods for the education of us all.
Step 1: As the anus is already lubricated with my own poo the initial wipe is usually acceptable with two-ply though I still prefer the baby wipe.
Step 2: Now that the bulk is gone your baby wipe can really get to work. Personally I opt for the one wipe per wipe but you may be on a budget and fold in half. It’s up to you.
Step 3: Notice tensile strength of the baby wipe as you really dig into things. Did you get poo finger despite your extra efforts? I don’t think so!
Step 4: Allow a few seconds to air dry. The crevices of your anus have been exposed to air for the first time since you were 3 years old. Bask in your achievement. Glow in the knowledge that you have now evolved over your fellow humans.
Step 5: A shot of Gold Bond powder and your business is done!
Listen, only three things mattered to you as a baby. I can’t really help you with #1 or #3. I get it – life is busy! We are stressed, fat, and need pills to get it up anymore. But I can give you back #2. So take my challenge and let me know how it goes. One-third of your happiness depends on it!
You and I share a common enemy. This sneaky devil snakes its way into your life right when you are living life to the fullest. There you are, enjoying a beautiful summer day in the park, playing frisbee and having a picnic with friends. Sure, its humid and hot – but everyone is having a grand time and there are plenty of beverages to keep you hydrated and happy. As the afternoon wears on, you nearly forget the time. Suddenly its dinner time and everyone agrees that it is the perfect evening to eat out at a restaurant, preferably one with an outside deck. While you’re enjoying your coal oven pizza and laughing about the day’s shenanigans, you start to feel it. At first it is just a ghost of a pain, forming slowly around your anal circle. You compensate by shifting on to your right cheek, and then your left, struggling to keep the butt skin from touching. But you are fighting a losing battle my friend. Inevitably, you waddle home from your car and jump immediately in the shower to try to rid yourself of the screaming agony that occurs every time you move your legs. Yes – you are now the victim of a scorching case of butt rot.
Butt rot is no respecter of persons. It will attack the young and old, male and female, bond and free. Butt rot is characterized by a severe redness of the skin around your anus, nuts and crevasses. Once it has taken hold there is little you can do to stop it. Only proper preventative measures can protect you. Having just recently fallen victim to butt rot this weekend, let me assure you that I was foolish and did not take proper precautions. I am paying dearly for it. In order to protect YOU from the same fate as mine, please heed the following advice:
1. The Environment – butt rot is notorious for developing during hot, sticky and humid days. With the right amount of humidity it doesn’t take an entire day to get butt rot, just a mere hour or two of movement. Butt rot also prays on those at the beach, where sticky salt water and sand can create the perfect environment for butt chaffage. If you know you will be experiencing any of these environments, then continue with prevention
2. The Preparation – Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Trust me, this is your best friend in the fight against BR. Apply a generous portion of this magic dust all around your anus, nutsack and crevasses. Liberal portions is key. Bring it with you and apply as needed throughout the day to keep things dry and cool. Also, enjoy the cold sensation when it hits your sensitive areas!
3. The Added Effort – Today is not a day to wear loose-fitting underwear. In fact, the best your can wear is a tight-fitting brief that you can hike up to ensure cotton is touching all skin surface areas. Butt rot requires skin-on-skin love to develop its desired chaff. Don’t give it the pleasure of shredding up your man/woman parts!
If you follow these measures, you are sure to emerge victorious from your day of fun in the sun. If not, I pity you and I feel your pain (literally…I feel it right now). I strongly recommend you take a shower, dry off, and then apply a liberal amount of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste to the entire affected area as soon as you can. And then sit tight and let the medication work its magic over the next 12 hours. I promise, you’ll be back to walking like a normal human being in no time!
If I owned a restaurant, I would spend a lot of time and energy planning out the bathroom. You would think that food, service or dining room decor should be the focus when defining the type of restaurant you want, wouldn’t you? Well, you would be wrong. Think about it: how many expensive/popular restaurants have you been to that you have had poor service? Many. How many uber-popular restaurants have you been to that have terrible food? Many. How many packed restaurants have you been to have that have cheesy decor? The answer again, is many.
But you have been to an expensive or nice restaurant that is super popular that has a disgusting bathroom? Not too many. In fact, the nicer the restaurant, the nicer the bathroom should be. If I were to go to Nobu or Daniel in New York City, then I better be wiping my butt with gold tissue and washing my hands in champagne. Have you ever been into a nice restaurant and gone to the bathroom, only to find it filled with cheep toilet paper that your fingers rip through and touch your anus? Or maybe dirty floors or just poor fixtures and trash disposal. I instantly downgrade the quality of the restaurant and even if everything else was amazing, I figure it can’t be that great because their bathroom is gross.
Sure, Burger King and Taco Bell have the right to have grosser bathrooms – but you’ll notice that usually they don’t! In fact, they work extra hard to keep a bright, clean and enjoyable bathroom environment for their patrons. They clearly understand the power of good bathroom in customer satisfaction. If you think about it, almost everyone hits the head at least once in a restaurant visit. It is the one thing that a restaurant can’t control in terms of customer experience. When I open up my first restaurant, I’m getting that part right.