I’ve got an interesting post on the way about the telephone versus toilet germ debate raging in the news recently but wanted to get out a quick anecdote in honor of my friend’s birthday today. I often receive text messages from this friend like the one below:
Friend: hey, just thinking about you, sup?
Me: thanks, doing great, you?
Friend: i am sitting on the can right now, just thought you’d like to know
You see this friend likes to text me while peeling black bananas and am I offended by this? NEVER! In fact I consider it a great honor that during perhaps the most intimate and sacred moment of my friend’s day I am in his thoughts. May we all be so thoughtful… Thank you Friend and Happy Birthday!
PS: Typed from Droid while sitting on my favorite crapper at work
If I was professor of Poopology 101 at Shat University this forthcoming post would be a core lecture topic. You see I find the distinction between pooping acid and an acidic poop to be rather obvious but through discussions with friends and family I have realized there is a lack of knowledge in society surrounding this important topic. You think they are the same thing? Oh how naive of you! Allow me to share the cliff notes.
Pooping Acid: You have polished off a nice and tasty Thai dish and overestimated your tolerance for hot a bit. Nonetheless you are confidence that your insides can handle everything nicely. However, after a couple of hours your insides are Dancing Like the Stars. You feel the poo log that had previously existed in your bowels being liquified by the your churning intestines. Soon the big moment comes and you explode liquid poo acid out of your anus. The burn is intense but you are able to explode the liquid volume from you in an efficient and quick manner. A quick extinguishing wipe knocks down the fire and soon you have recovered.
Acid Poop: You’ve just eaten a spicy Mexican dish full of raging peppers and you nearly had to quench the mouth fire with ketchup and mustard ala Dumb and Dumber. You are pleased with your dinner but are concerned about the after effects. You see, the pepper and seeds are not just a spice but actually have some substance to them. You shudder at the thought of solid pepper chunks and seeds being directly incorporated into a compacted poo log. The big moment comes. Fear envelopes your entire body as you realize the truth. As you push, the solid acid poo smolders through your anus like a bubbling molten lava flow. As your anus is stretched to give birth to this acidic log from hell, the poo squashes into every crack and crevice, chewing away the top layer of tissue with ease. You wipe and wipe but the burning does not go away. It is not until your body can actually re-grow the burnt nerve endings that your pain is finally over.
And you thought there was no difference?! Enjoy this knowledge and share with a friend!
Crapping-your-pants stories are a dime a dozen. Nearly everyone had shatted their pants at least once as an adult, whether that came from a fart gone bad to diarrhea in a time when the toilet was not accessible. Sometimes you just don’t make it to the toilet in time and you crap your pants. The stories are always hilarious and they are rarely kept a secret from others. This is not the case with wetting your bed.
I can understand the reason for the shame. Think about the difference. It’s not like you get diarrhea of the bladder and suddenly start pissing everywhere without control. Additionally, if you can’t find a bathroom you can just drop a squat or whip it out and urinate behind a bush or something. No harm done, no messy clean up. So if an adult wets the bed, well, that is something to hide. I know…from experience. Several years ago I was staying at a friend’s house with my brother. My friend only had one bedroom and one bed, so my brother and I had to draw straws for the couch. He won, so I was left with the choice of sleeping on the floor or on the bed with my friend and his spouse. I chose the bed. I’m a horrible sleeper and new the weekend would be hell without a mattress to sleep on.
As I was sleeping, I began having a dream that I was standing in the middle of a crowded street. In the center of an intersection was a manhole with no cover. In the dream I had to pee, so I asked a passerby where I could find a bathroom. He suggested I try to arc my urine as far as I could into the intersection and through the manhole. Taking him up on that challenge, I unzipped, aimed and began urinating warm piss in a gigantic arc towards the manhole.
Wait…warm? You don’t feel temperature in dreams.
I immediately snapped out of the dream, only to find myself pissing directly up onto my stomach. I immediately kinked the flow (very painful) and rolled off the bed onto the floor. I paused for a minute to see if my friend or wife stirred, but they continued to breathe quietly. I slowly reached up my hand and felt the bed for wetness. A Miracle! No piss on the bed! My shirt and shorts had soaked it up and I had retreated quickly enough to save their mattress. I proceeded to army crawl into their bathroom, get naked and throw all my clothes in the trash, army crawl into the living room by my sleeping brother to get new clothes, and army crawl back into bed. The perfect crime.
I was ashamed. How had my mental switch been triggered to allow urine flow without waking me up? I didn’t know, but I wasn’t telling anyone about it. After a year or two I finally decided that time had passed, and what did I have to be ashamed of? I told my whole family during Christmas, expecting a warm reception of love and understanding and laughter.
You know what I learned? Keep your pee-your-pants stories to yourself.
I am always asked the difference between a ghost poo and phantom poo. This is one of life’s critical pieces of knowledge that separates the have’s and the have-not’s. Allow I, Papa Squat, the opportunity to shat knowledge upon you.
The distinction is quite clear. A ghost haunts you, tries to scare you, but most importantly leaves a trace, evidence of its evil deeds. The phantom is completely mysterious, is shrouded in secrecy, makes you wonder if what you witnessed even happened in the first place. Also, ghosts are a dime a dozen but the phantom may be a once in a lifetime experience.
Let me explain.
A ghost poo is a log that hits water and slides into the porcelain downspout – hidden from view. Its hiding from you but left plenty of evidence to haunt you, a streak at the bottom of the toilet, a stain upon your toilet paper, the smell in the air. Everything to let you know the ghost has passed and he will return. While rare, everyone has had this experience. I believe the universal quote is “Wait, where did it go?”
But the phantom poo is something totally different. You think something happened but you can’t prove it It leaves you with an eerie feeling. You think you heard a splash in the toilet but you are not sure. The bowl is pristine, your toilet paper slightly shredded from your dry anus. Go ahead and light a match my friend, but there is no methane to burn. In fact, the air smells better than before you entered. You are confident that your bowels have emptied yet there is NOTHING to prove your deed. This is the phantom!
Which begs the question – If a man drops a log in the bathroom but there isn’t any evidence…did it happen?
Having recently purchased Kanye West and Jay-Z’s new album “Watch the Throne,” I couldn’t help but wonder if they were implying anything beyond just the rap-game throne? Everyone knows that the toilet is the most common and universally accepted thrones around. What would be awesome is if they considered their own personal dumping prowess when determining the title of their album. They both know how to dump out some serious rhymes. They both talk a lot of sh*t. They both flush other MC’s like so many bad craps before them. Honestly, it is the perfect metaphor.
But if not, someone should let them know of the potential.