I just came into close contact with a god. Not THEE God, but certainly A god by human standards. I am in the process of making the holiday travel to see family for Christmas. While I don’t really love 6am flights, I was happy to see that I had a layover in a nearby city around 7am, just in time for my regularly scheduled morning dump. I hate pooing on planes…it seems a bit tacky when there is a seat and passenger right outside your door.
Anyway, as I walked eagerly into the bathroom, I was pleased to see only one other stall occupied of the nearly 20 stalls in a long corridor. The man was just entering that stall as I walked in, so I chose one several stalls down to allow room for any additional poopers who might join us.
As I dropped my drawers and sat down, I heard (and felt) the thunder. It rumbled deep from within the man and presumably gurgled and fought its way through his large butt until it finally found its point of exit and exploded forth as a pre-poop fart eruption. “impressive!” I thought. But it wasn’t until 5-7 seconds later that I truly appreciated this mans farting prowess. I nearly puked in my mouth as i gagged and wretched at the stench. Somehow this man had created a stench strong enough to overpower and put to shame the extremely large space we were in that was already filled with bathroom stench to start with!!!
Dear sir, I stand humbled and in awe of your farting prowess. But my mouth is not agape…I am afraid to breath.
Everyone makes a fuss about talking to their children about sex. I say POPPYCOCK! Its easy! Just do what my dad did and take your son or daughter skiing and tell them all about it on the long ride up so that for the rest of the day they have to sit awkwardly on a chairlift trying not to imagine you, your pee pee and mom. It worked well and certainly left me uninterested in sex for a healthy, long time.
But there is a much more important matter that your kids will face much earlier in life – farting. Farting? Yes, farting. While there are a few kids out there who will take pride in ripping phat ones in school in front of their friends and teachers, many will not. In fact, many will feel shame and embarrassment. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! He Shat readers, we have to nip body and bowel shame in the bud where it starts…in our youth!
Can I recommend any of the following children’s books to help you breech this sensitive subject and get the conversation juices flowing?
Farley Farts by Birte Muller
The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho
The inspired authors are here to help and recognized that anyone can tell a story that teaches kids to not lie. But a story that inspires children to love and appreciate the air that flows from their butts? That is art and inspiration.
I’m kind of obsessed with Groupon. Not obsessed in the sense that I purchase every single Groupon that comes down the pike or only dine/visit/purchase things that I have a Groupon for, but obsessed in the sense that I think it’s just freakin’ awesome that some company is out there trying to hook me up. I love a good fat hook up. “Wait, what? You want to give me a 60% off coupon to a restaurant I have already wanted to try any way? Hells Yeah!” You see my enthusiasm? I think if you are not at least signed up for Groupon, you are kind of dumb. Why not just see if anything good comes your way? What harm is there? THERE ISN’T ANY! Saving money does not make you any less cool, hip or fresh. It just makes you smart…and awesome.
No I don’t work for Groupon, but I am oh so excited by the fact that they are finally using their prowess to attend to our butt needs. Take a look at today’s most recent Groupon in an area where a friend lives.
Colonic Irrigation for only $45??? AMAZING! Now, for only $45, I can have a hot tube shoved up my anus so it can spray gallons of steaming fluid into my colon and clean that baby out. I’m sure there are pounds and pounds of previous Groupons redeemed at restaurants now stuck up on that colon lining. In some ways I’ve always wanted to get a colon irrigation just to find out if it has an impact on the massive amount of farting I do…or at least the smell of said farts. I think my wife would agree that $45 is well worth the price to find that out. Thanks Groupon!
Have you ever played that game “Would You Rather”? You know, you ask someone a “would you rather” question, like “Would you rather always smell like fish or always have bad breath?” The question is then answered and a furious and emotional debate about the correct answer ensues. (For those curious, the correct answer to the aforementioned questioned is “bad breath”. If you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong.)
I need you to answer this one for me. Would you rather have an average amount of gas that smells pretty nasty most of the time, or have copious amounts of gas that only carry a stench about 10% of the time? Wait. Before you answer, consider this. Along with the nasty gas comes the inability to hold it in. Whereas, with the over-gaseous bowels, you would be blessed with a strong sphincter, able to withstand hours of bowel-shaking, monster truck force from within.
Again, the answer is quite clear. Give me the gaseous giant any day. I speak from experience. My wife would beg to differ. She also speaks from experience. You see, she has the uncanny inability to keep her farts sealed up tight in order to release them in an appropriate location. It doesn’t matter if we’re in church, in an elevator or in a small gathering with a group of friends, she just opens up and drops those stank nast bombs when they come knocking on the door. Granted, the frequency of said occurrence is low, but the risk is oh so high. Unless of course your husband is right next to you during the crop dusting, then he’s the one who’s naturally blamed for the unsavory aroma.
On the other hand, I can chose the most appropriate place to drop my LBH’s (Loud But Harmless). Whether that be during a quick trip to the john or in my little brother’s face. The point is, it’s much more advantageous to have complete control over such a powerful tool even if it does mean a few more gas cramps than the average bowel. Help me out here.
Please tell me I’m not the crazy one in this relationship.