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Farting in Public – To Shame or to Be Ashamed?

I was in the bus the other day on my way to work.  At the moment I was enjoying some Words With Friends time.  Quick side note – how awesome is Words With Friends?  It has the whole world playing one of my favorite games which is Scrabble.  While I have been playing Scrabble online for about 11 years, I finally have many friends to play against and subsequently destroy over and over.  It’s a great pride booster. 
 
But I digress.  I was on my way home when suddenly the air filled with putrid butt-raunched gas.  Someone had effectively dropped a fart bomb in complete stealth mode – there was no indication as to who was the culprit and where they were sitting.  I could tell that everyone wanted to look around and sniff the individual out.  But we didn’t.  You know why?  Because society would have you believe that it’s more appropriate to pretend nothing happened then to divulge the perpetrator.  Society would have you believe that if you can squeeze one out silently, you don’t have to own up to it.  It’s that kind of behavior that leads people to commit crimes and other people to pretend they aren’t happening. 
I think we should have to own up to our farts – in public or private.  Clothing manufacturers should be required by law to line our pants with a special chemical that emits a purple glow when touched by human fart air.  Then we would all just have to accept that we fart and, empowered with knowledge, we could move away from the person who has fouled our breathing supply.  It might lead us all to eat better to avoid farting.  It might lead to more mercy and patience with our fellow men and women.  I think this could really change the human race for good.
 
HSSS, you a genius.

I Am Humbled By Your Farting Prowess

December 22, 2011 2 comments

I just came into close contact with a god. Not THEE God, but certainly A god by human standards. I am in the process of making the holiday travel to see family for Christmas. While I don’t really love 6am flights, I was happy to see that I had a layover in a nearby city around 7am, just in time for my regularly scheduled morning dump. I hate pooing on planes…it seems a bit tacky when there is a seat and passenger right outside your door.

Anyway, as I walked eagerly into the bathroom, I was pleased to see only one other stall occupied of the nearly 20 stalls in a long corridor. The man was just entering that stall as I walked in, so I chose one several stalls down to allow room for any additional poopers who might join us.

As I dropped my drawers and sat down, I heard (and felt) the thunder. It rumbled deep from within the man and presumably gurgled and fought its way through his large butt until it finally found its point of exit and exploded forth as a pre-poop fart eruption. “impressive!” I thought. But it wasn’t until 5-7 seconds later that I truly appreciated this mans farting prowess. I nearly puked in my mouth as i gagged and wretched at the stench. Somehow this man had created a stench strong enough to overpower and put to shame the extremely large space we were in that was already filled with bathroom stench to start with!!!

Dear sir, I stand humbled and in awe of your farting prowess. But my mouth is not agape…I am afraid to breath.

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Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , ,

My Car is a Hot Box From Hell

November 16, 2011 1 comment
Hey Everyone!  He Shat She Shat here.  Sorry about the sudden drop in posts over the last few days.  You see, it’s that magical time of year when holidays starting popping up left and right, work accelerates at a ridiculous pace in order to finish out the year, and, well, we are all just darn pooped.  Expect the occasional decline in posts.  I’ll be honest – sometimes I’m just too full, fat and tired from the previous night’s party, or work function, or late nighter.
 
You know what else comes with this time of year?  Cold.  Yes, where I live there is much cold to be felt starting now through April.  Each morning is a fight between man and frost or snow.  In order to make the commute to work bearable, I have to crank up the heater and hope it somehow defogs my windshield by the time I hit the freeway.
 
But there are serious repercussions for me having to turn up the heat and shut my windows.  My car turns into a living, breathing hot box of butt air.  You see, I don’t really fart much in my sleep, so when I wake up in the morning I have approximately eight hours of pent-up gas sitting wildly at the tip of my anus.  Its beating on the orifice like that woman in the old K-mart commercials during Christmas:  “Open, Open, Open, Open, Open…”  The second I stand up the air starts to flow and continues throughout the next 2-3 hours.  Often times that air has been stewing around a large poo log, so to put it bluntly, it smells like crap.  Now take that scenario and combine it with me sitting in a compact, heated space for 45 minutes.  What you have there is a high potential for passing out from my own toxic fumes.  At the very least, my clothes get saturated with my own stink and I am the shame of the office.
 
Winter can really blow, you know? 
Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Birds and the Beans – How to Talk to Kids About Farting

October 25, 2011 Leave a comment

Everyone makes a fuss about talking to their children about sex.  I say POPPYCOCK!  Its easy! Just do what my dad did and take your son or daughter skiing and tell them all about it on the long ride up so that for the rest of the day they have to sit awkwardly on a chairlift trying not to imagine you, your pee pee and mom.  It worked well and certainly left me uninterested in sex for a healthy, long time.

But there is a much more important matter that your kids will face much earlier in life – farting.  Farting? Yes, farting.  While there are a few kids out there who will take pride in ripping phat ones in school in front of their friends and teachers, many will not.  In fact, many will feel shame and embarrassment.  THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN!  He Shat readers, we have to nip body and bowel shame in the bud where it starts…in our youth!

Can I recommend any of the following children’s books to help you breech this sensitive subject and get the conversation juices flowing?

Walter the Farting Dog by William Kotzwinkle (awesome last name)

Farley Farts by Birte Muller

The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho

It All Began With a Bean by Katy Mcky

The inspired authors are here to help and recognized that anyone can tell a story that teaches kids to not lie.  But a story that inspires children to love and appreciate the air that flows from their butts?  That is art and inspiration.

Law of Least Resistance and the Lazy Fart

October 3, 2011 Leave a comment
Let’s be honest – farts are lazy.  Just look at how it follows the Law of Least Resistance.  Quickly…a definition of said law:
This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or “do less and accomplish more.” Nature’s intelligence functions effortlessly, frictionlessly, spontaneously. It is non-linear; it is intuitive, holistic and nourishing.
Farts are the perfect example of “nature’s intelligence” (whatever the F that is) because it completely follows the law of least resistance.  I first noticed this law in action when I would go skiing growing up.  For some reason, any time I farted on the chairlift the smell would be infinitely more intense and nastilicious than when I farted in any other situation.  I thought maybe it was the granola bars and soda…but I finally realized that the reason it was so intense was that the fart air was concentrated and leaking out the top of my jacket directly into my nose.  You see, ski clothes are very thick and even fart air struggles to get through it.  So what does it do?  It lazily floats upward until it finally finds a hole to escape from – which happens to be right at my neck at the top of my jacket.
My wife doesn’t buy into this theory, but it’s totally true.  When I fart in bed, I encourage her to push the sheets down in between us so that the smell will stay on my side and leak into my face instead of hers.  But she doesn’t heed that warning, calling my theory of least fart resistance dumb.  This, of course, is to her own detriment.  The fart air then easily passes in the open air under our sheet between our bodies and into her face.
Has anyone else seen this in action, and even better, taken advantage of its powers?

Groupon Finally Cleans Out My Butt

August 29, 2011 Leave a comment

I’m kind of obsessed with Groupon. Not obsessed in the sense that I purchase every single Groupon that comes down the pike or only dine/visit/purchase things that I have a Groupon for, but obsessed in the sense that I think it’s just freakin’ awesome that some company is out there trying to hook me up. I love a good fat hook up. “Wait, what? You want to give me a 60% off coupon to a restaurant I have already wanted to try any way? Hells Yeah!” You see my enthusiasm? I think if you are not at least signed up for Groupon, you are kind of dumb. Why not just see if anything good comes your way? What harm is there? THERE ISN’T ANY! Saving money does not make you any less cool, hip or fresh. It just makes you smart…and awesome.

No I don’t work for Groupon, but I am oh so excited by the fact that they are finally using their prowess to attend to our butt needs. Take a look at today’s most recent Groupon in an area where a friend lives.

Colonic Irrigation for only $45??? AMAZING! Now, for only $45, I can have a hot tube shoved up my anus so it can spray gallons of steaming fluid into my colon and clean that baby out. I’m sure there are pounds and pounds of previous Groupons redeemed at restaurants now stuck up on that colon lining. In some ways I’ve always wanted to get a colon irrigation just to find out if it has an impact on the massive amount of farting I do…or at least the smell of said farts. I think my wife would agree that $45 is well worth the price to find that out. Thanks Groupon!

Categories: Farting, Science Tags: , , , , , , ,

Would You Rather? The Fart Edition

August 25, 2011 5 comments

Have you ever played that game “Would You Rather”? You know, you ask someone a “would you rather” question, like “Would you rather always smell like fish or always have bad breath?” The question is then answered and a furious and emotional debate about the correct answer ensues. (For those curious, the correct answer to the aforementioned questioned is “bad breath”. If you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong.)

I need you to answer this one for me. Would you rather have an average amount of gas that smells pretty nasty most of the time, or have copious amounts of gas that only carry a stench about 10% of the time? Wait. Before you answer, consider this. Along with the nasty gas comes the inability to hold it in. Whereas, with the over-gaseous bowels, you would be blessed with a strong sphincter, able to withstand hours of bowel-shaking, monster truck force from within.

Again, the answer is quite clear. Give me the gaseous giant any day. I speak from experience. My wife would beg to differ. She also speaks from experience. You see, she has the uncanny inability to keep her farts sealed up tight in order to release them in an appropriate location. It doesn’t matter if we’re in church, in an elevator or in a small gathering with a group of friends, she just opens up and drops those stank nast bombs when they come knocking on the door. Granted, the frequency of said occurrence is low, but the risk is oh so high. Unless of course your husband is right next to you during the crop dusting, then he’s the one who’s naturally blamed for the unsavory aroma.

On the other hand, I can chose the most appropriate place to drop my LBH’s (Loud But Harmless). Whether that be during a quick trip to the john or in my little brother’s face. The point is, it’s much more advantageous to have complete control over such a powerful tool even if it does mean a few more gas cramps than the average bowel. Help me out here.

Please tell me I’m not the crazy one in this relationship.