“Every person has a slightly different collection of bacteria and yeasts in their gut, and each organism contributes a slightly different nuance to the overall fragrance and volume of gas. Just as a fine wine keeps the palate stimulated with a variety of taste “notes,” each person’s unique batch of intestinal organisms lends shading to the stench of their farts. Your roommate (and my brother, apparently) simply have a collection of organisms that produce a horrid, malodorous, voluminous reek.”
“In 1997, Chester Weimer was granted patent No. 5593398 entitled “Protective underwear with malodorous flatus filter.” The undergarment has a pocket on the rear that has a replaceable activated charcoal packet, which the subject farts through. The sound and odor are muffled by passage through the filter. I’d suggest buying a pair for your roommate and see if they work. If they do, you’ll be living in a more fart-free environment. If they don’t you will have a hilarious story to tell your friends. Either way it’s win-win for you.”
I have to get me some of these underwears…
The good name of beans are always getting kicked around in the mud. These poor little beads of deliciousness are accustomed to taking the blame for all that air that explodes from your anus. They even have a product named after them – Beano – which helps you mitigate farts when eating food. I can’t help but wonder why they have been singled out as the culprit for gas? I mean, I won’t sit here and deny that beans make you fart. They do. But in the world of air creating food products, beans hardly make a dent in my gastronomical list of nightmares. Having discussed this with many individuals, I have also learned that we all have unique bodies, and fart triggering food differs from person to person.
For example, I quickly learned that pizza gives me mad gas. Not vegetable pizza or meat pizza – just pizza. I don’t know if it is the sugary marinara sauce or the carbs from the crust, but any night I have a pizza party, I eventually start dropping gas bombs at every turn. It’s an immediate reaction. Sugar in general seems to be a trigger – especially if I consume a lot of soda in a day. I have learned that the reason why I farted so much in high school and college was because I had about 66oz of Mountain Dew a day. That converted to about 300+ farts per 24 hour period.
But my biggest nemesis? GRANOLA CEREALS. Granola (or even worst, Cracklin’ Oat Bran) will literally convert my intestinal track into a weapon of mass destruction. Not only is the air compact and explosive, but it is coupled with a smell that would even offend the walking dead. It is heavy and lingers, and sticky so it attaches to your clothes. It’s almost humid enough to frizz out your hair if you walk by. You really don’t want to be around me for a day after I eat granola cereal.
What sets your butt off?
Growing up I thought everybody wiped the same way. We all walk the same, dress similar, and follow more or less the same rules. I assumed everybody wiped the way I did.
Well I was wrong. I have since learned that wiping is anything BUT standardized and deserves further discussion. As an introduction allow me to discuss the most common wipes:
1. One cheek sneak: you shat upon your toilet but are too lazy to stand up. You one cheek sneak it due to your supernaturally long arms and/or tiny butt cheeks that allow easy access to the anus. This technique is super useful in airplane bathrooms where your knees are already jammed against the door and you are afraid any movement might cause the $0.23 cent piece of plastic keeping your uncomfortably exposed nakedness and streaked anus from the entire cabin.
2. The reach around: usually completed while standing. Very similar to the one cheek sneak except that the individual is standing and may require a slight C shape bend forward to expose the anus appropriately. Again, if butt cheeks are flacid or super long arms you may be able to do this while completely erect which would be AWESOME.
3. Obstacle Course: Also known as the reach through. You are in a semi-squat. With the chosen arm you reach through your legs, around the twig and berries and into the anus for a good cleaning. This requires significant coordination and is inverse wiping from steps 1 and 2 (ie, back to front versus front to back). Advantages include exercise while wiping as you complete the deep knee bends.
We’ll have some more discussion in the future but in the meantime, no matter which type of method you utilize, make sure you master it well. If not your own defecation may come back to haunt you as a super nasty skid mark or poo-induced butt rot.
Happy wiping everyone – Papa Squat
In my last post about dingleberries, I discounted the teenager’s ability to truly understand the trial of the dingleberry. I wanted to make clear that just because teenagers don’t get dingleberries, that doesn’t mean they don’t suffer from any bathroom or genital issues; On the contrary, teenagers have it rough. Not only is their body in a constant state of rapid change, but they are navigating a sea of social and physical tribulation when it comes to going to the bathroom.
One of the greatest issues at hand is the appearance of “morning wood”. This phenomenon pops up out of nowhere (literally). It’s not like your dad sits you down and says, “he son – one day you are going to wake up and you are just going to have a boner…and that’s that. Just deal with it.” No, the man can barely tell you the scientific facts about sex. So there you are, trying to figure out what in the world is going on with you.
To add insult to injury, you have to figure out how to pee each morning sporting an erection. To my female readers, this may seem funny…and it is. But in the moment it is not – it’s a logistical nightmare. You are trying to get something that is facing up to face down, with limited bendability. You can lean forward, sit down and lean forward, etc…but it still doesn’t guarantee a successful launch. The more you force your dong down, the more the urine stream gets kinked.
Well – in the act of googling the subject, I found that there are many useful instructional videos on YouTube that can help you deal. So watch and learn world – and be plagued no more!
I am sitting in the bath right now and I need to pee. Not a full on 45-second squeege type pee, but just an aftershock from my piss I took before I got in the bath. There is a lot of running water around and that naturally makes my body want to urinate. What do I do? This simply illustrates a very controversial subject in the world of urination: when is it okay to pee in the water that you are in?
Let’s take the ocean, for starters. Some people would say its disgusting to pee in the ocean. “people are swimming in here!”. But really? My bladder is less than 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of this water. If I pee, it is just an addition to the urine and crap from billions of fish. So why should I give a crap? I don’t.
But what about a pool? Again, my bladder is just a mere speck when compared to the gallons of water in the pool. But then there is the famous adage: “welcome to our ool, notice there is no p in it, please keep it that way!”. But does it really matter? What is my 1/1,000,000 of urine to the chlorinated water? Even if everyone peed, I don’t think it would bother me.
So now I return to my bath. The stakes are higher here. While it’s just me and my pee, it might be a ratio of 1 to 100. Am I comfortable with that? Is it better to finish my bath slightly uncomfortable and then pee when I get out or just get it done and enjoy the rest of my bath writing this blog post?
Considering the length of this post, I think you know what I did. Don’t judge me, it’s all just liquid. My wife just did (judge me that is).
Coworkers can teach you a lot of crap, literally. I was recently reminded of one of the most important things I ever learned from a coworker when I stumbled upon the following article.
You might be asking yourself, “Who in the world would be so sick as to wipe their own feces on the wall? This person needs to be put down!”. Well, if that’s what you are thinking…shame on you! A coworker several years ago taught me that this is a mental disease called Coprophilia. They didn’t show me with words – they showed me with actions.
One day at a previous company, someone discovered feces spread all over the walls and mirrors of the woman’s bathroom. CRAZY we all thought, assuming it was an isolated incident. But then it happened again. And again. And AGAIN! Soon the culprit was lovingly named “The Mad Sh*tter” and stories were flying. Who could it be? Probably some sick pervert…but how did they get in there over and over without getting caught?
Well, HR got tricky and did some switching of personnel on different floors and were able to figure it out by what floors the Coprophilia would occur. The perpetrator? A 50+ year old nice lady without the slightest bit of guile. You see, she had a disease…but that doesn’t always mean they stink or froth at the mouth. She just happened to enjoy rubbing her crap on the walls for all to enjoy.
I felt bad for her when she was fired, but I didn’t shake her hand on the way out. I think I saw some brown stains under her fingernails.
Do you love your phone? I do! The Droid puts nearly everything at my fingertips (work, school, family, entertainment, etc). Yet the media has recently been reporting that the mobile phone, particularly smart phones are laden with germs. I have seen numerous articles in the past year like this one from Wired citing a Stanford study that found the mobile phone has more germs than a toilet seat.
It wasn’t the first study to demonstrate this and it won’t be the last. Don’t get me wrong, as a quasi-scientist I believe the data and am fascinated by the subject. It’s just that I don’t think the civilized world is over the stigma of the toilet/bathroom/bodily functions yet. The average person simply will not change their behavior even if there are 18 times more germs on their phone than the flush handle in a public restroom and I can prove it with my own study.
I would pay a research subject 20 dollars for a single lick with their tongue. They could either lick a brand new phone after I play Angry Birds on it for 10 minutes or a brand new toilet site after I drop a load from upon it. Either you are licking a phone screen recently warmed by my hands/fingers or a toilet seat recently warmed by my naked ass cheeks.
I predict 9 of 10 would not hesitate to pick the phone screen. But if my research subjects knew the scientific data that phones are germier than toilet seats do you think they would change their decision? Absolutely not! Sadly, the stigma would be too much to overcome.
So, would you pick the phone or the toilet seat?