The good name of beans are always getting kicked around in the mud. These poor little beads of deliciousness are accustomed to taking the blame for all that air that explodes from your anus. They even have a product named after them – Beano – which helps you mitigate farts when eating food. I can’t help but wonder why they have been singled out as the culprit for gas? I mean, I won’t sit here and deny that beans make you fart. They do. But in the world of air creating food products, beans hardly make a dent in my gastronomical list of nightmares. Having discussed this with many individuals, I have also learned that we all have unique bodies, and fart triggering food differs from person to person.
For example, I quickly learned that pizza gives me mad gas. Not vegetable pizza or meat pizza – just pizza. I don’t know if it is the sugary marinara sauce or the carbs from the crust, but any night I have a pizza party, I eventually start dropping gas bombs at every turn. It’s an immediate reaction. Sugar in general seems to be a trigger – especially if I consume a lot of soda in a day. I have learned that the reason why I farted so much in high school and college was because I had about 66oz of Mountain Dew a day. That converted to about 300+ farts per 24 hour period.
But my biggest nemesis? GRANOLA CEREALS. Granola (or even worst, Cracklin’ Oat Bran) will literally convert my intestinal track into a weapon of mass destruction. Not only is the air compact and explosive, but it is coupled with a smell that would even offend the walking dead. It is heavy and lingers, and sticky so it attaches to your clothes. It’s almost humid enough to frizz out your hair if you walk by. You really don’t want to be around me for a day after I eat granola cereal.
What sets your butt off?
Not the sickest thing I have ever done. I personally have never done anything as sick as the story I am about to tell. A relative recently had a baby (who is freakin’ adorable, I might add). She toughed out the labor and delivery like a champ without any epidural. Unfortunately, there was some ripping. My guess is there was a lot of ripping, and tearing, and stitches. If any of you have had a wife have a baby, or given birth yourself, then you know that the weeks following birth are a bit sensitive.
Enter constipation. The crappy thing about giving birth and pregnancy is that it puts your body out of whack in a major way. This woman, who was already proned to constipation, became über constipated. One day she called me, only to have this conversation:
Relative: “I’ve been doing the sickest thing I have ever done.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Relative: “You know how I have been really constipated? Well, I didn’t want to push to hard and pop a stitch, so I just decided to reach up there and pull the poo out.”
Me: “So are you telling me you stuck your finger up your butt and dug your crap out? Was it squishy?”
Relative: “That’s exactly what I’m saying. It wasn’t squishy though. It was so hard that my finger barely made a dent in each nugget. I had to dig in there all the way up to my knuckles to get something out. I have actually done this about five times! No matter how many times I wash my hands after, but finger smells like poo!”
Me: “Why don’t you wear rubber gloves?”
Relative: “AH CRAP I didn’t think about that!”
Seriously. She has been digging her crap out with her bare fingers. It is amazing what having a baby will cause you to do, all for the love of a child. I wasn’t judging though – I could see her predicament. I’m just glad I have never had to do anything that nasty.
Growing up I thought everybody wiped the same way. We all walk the same, dress similar, and follow more or less the same rules. I assumed everybody wiped the way I did.
Well I was wrong. I have since learned that wiping is anything BUT standardized and deserves further discussion. As an introduction allow me to discuss the most common wipes:
1. One cheek sneak: you shat upon your toilet but are too lazy to stand up. You one cheek sneak it due to your supernaturally long arms and/or tiny butt cheeks that allow easy access to the anus. This technique is super useful in airplane bathrooms where your knees are already jammed against the door and you are afraid any movement might cause the $0.23 cent piece of plastic keeping your uncomfortably exposed nakedness and streaked anus from the entire cabin.
2. The reach around: usually completed while standing. Very similar to the one cheek sneak except that the individual is standing and may require a slight C shape bend forward to expose the anus appropriately. Again, if butt cheeks are flacid or super long arms you may be able to do this while completely erect which would be AWESOME.
3. Obstacle Course: Also known as the reach through. You are in a semi-squat. With the chosen arm you reach through your legs, around the twig and berries and into the anus for a good cleaning. This requires significant coordination and is inverse wiping from steps 1 and 2 (ie, back to front versus front to back). Advantages include exercise while wiping as you complete the deep knee bends.
We’ll have some more discussion in the future but in the meantime, no matter which type of method you utilize, make sure you master it well. If not your own defecation may come back to haunt you as a super nasty skid mark or poo-induced butt rot.
Happy wiping everyone – Papa Squat
I don’t think this picture requires much explanation, unless you are a woman…then there is a good chance you just don’t get it.
I hate job interviews – both interviewing and being interviewed. While there is no perfect way of finding out whether a person is the right candidate for the job, I believe that spending 30-60 minutes with an individual and asking them questions where you can’t validate the validity of their answers is a waste. Some people say that you can tell whether they are a good fit for the team. Bullcrap. Sure, if the person is a freak it might be obvious, but most people are on their best behavior in an interview. Everyone is fun, smiley, a good listener, etc. No, interviews are a joke.
Getting the right candidate for a job that involves customer service or customer relations is even more crucial because they have a direct impact on future sales/relationships by how they conduct themselves professionally.
Now let’s transition. Today I was in the bathroom. I thought I was alone, but of course I didn’t check every single stall. I had been holding in a massive fart all morning and I knew it would be unavoidably loud. As I released it near the urinal, it squeaked out with a squealing shriek. It was at that moment that I heard someone in the stall giggle in response. I determined in that moment that there was a line in professionalism that is easy to draw. EVERYONE thinks farts are funny – but as a stranger, you don’t laugh out loud at someone farting in the bathroom unless you have a lack of control and low professionalism.
So here is the perfect test if you are interviewing for a client relations position. Do the normal interviews, but then when the person needs to go to the bathroom, walk in and use a fart machine to drop one. If he/she laughs – they are probably not the candidate for you. Unless your clients are clowns.
April Fools Day is coming mighty quick (less than a week!). That means you have approximately five days to come up with your jokes, tricks, etc for all of your family and coworkers. Let me offer you some great advice – dump your love of AFD all over. That’s right, leave people a present. Let me tell you a quick story.
A cousin of mine was a pretty cool kid in school – smart, funny, talented, witty, and handsome. The perfect high school storm! Of course that came with haters, particularly those people who were vying for the same attention as he. One day he realized that a particular kid who was always trying to up him was throwing a huge party at his house, and my cousin had not been invited. The normal response? Teenage depressing, self questioning and maybe anger. My cousin’s response? I think I’ll take a dump in his house. And that is what he did. He walked in to the party, jumped on the white couch, dropped his drawers, squeezed out a log, and calmly walked out with his pride in tact.
So why don’t you play a joke on someone you loath this April Fools Day by leaving them a dump in a strategic place – the mailbox, car seat, on their newspaper, wrapped in a pretty box, etc. Nothing says April Fools like a dump!
I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and giving birth a lot recently – not because I am giving birth (I am male), but because my wife will be doing it soon with our second and a close relative just squeezed out a baby within the last few hours. What a glorious moment! I remember when my first son was born, I was entranced just staring into his dark, black eyes as he fixed his vision on your face where he could hear your voice. It was a magical 30 minutes before the little guy got tuckered out and went to sleep.
But not all elements of giving birth are glorious, including taking a huge, fat dump while you are pushing that sucker out. You don’t believe me? Well, its true. Check out this quote from a Parent Dish article regarding labor fears.
“What people who have never had a baby need to know is that pushing out a baby is exactly the same as pushing out the biggest BM of your life. You are using all the same muscles to bear down on the baby. It makes sense that other, uh, stuff (besides a baby) is going to work its way out of your body”
Yep people, its true. While giving birth, you may just squirt out a gigantic thud of a doogan all over the floor. While this article tends to make it sound like its no big deal…they are sugar coating it. Taking a duke in front of everyone is crazy. If at all possible, take a duke as close to going into the hospital as possible. But if it can’t be avoided, try to laugh it off by saying “ah crap” or something. Maybe it will deflect the reality that you just dumped in a nurse’s hands.