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Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Brotip #1735 – Answering a Toy Phone

April 23, 2012 1 comment

Let me give you a tip from a brand new parent of two little boys (coming direct from www.brotips.com): 

That is about as true as a statement as you’ll ever read – here on He Shat She Shat or anywhere else.  If you are the kind of male that won’t play pretend with your kid when he/she hands you a toy phone, you can go ahead and consider yourself a sucky parent.  Period.  If you are that person, there is still hope for you – but it is going to require that you don’t be such a piece of crap and learn to actually care about something other than yourself.  You up for the challenge?

Potty Training – My Greatest Parenting Fear

March 12, 2012 6 comments
I’m terrified of potty training.  Of all the new and terrifying experiences that come with having a child, the one I am most terrified of is potty training.  I remember growing up and having a friend who was “that kid.”  Yes, Ritchie was five and still peed his pants.  I remember sleeping over at his house in a fort we had made.  Half way through the night it smelled so grotesquely of piss that I had to leave the fort and sleep on the cold floor in the opposite corner of the room to escape the smell.  How did that happen to him?  Was it poor potty training? 
 
I have a theory that you have a very small window when a child is ready to be potty trained.  If you start earlier than that window, then you spend the next 3-12 months cleaning up piss and fecal matter from sheets, floors and blankets.  Endless loads of laundry and disrupted sleep.  But if you let the window pass, you end up with a kid who decides that there is no need to be potty trained – that pissing himself will be an acceptable lifestyle for life.  Only the terrible tauntings and wrath of evil little 5-year-olds will change that kids mind.  Until then, its urine city. 
 
So how do you nail it right in the middle of that precious window?  Given my son’s background, I’m thinking that window might last about 42 seconds instead of a few weeks.  I am waiting for the day he says, “I need go potty” and I am going to jump on that crap immediately.  I have this feeling he is going to only ask once…and that’s it. 
 
Seriously, if you have any potty training tips, I’m an empty receptacle waiting for your knowledge donation.

Avoid Pesky Bathroom Breaks – Just Fart!

December 12, 2011 1 comment

Reading He Shat She Shat isn’t just about amazing laugh out loud entertainment and mind-blowing stories, it’s also about practical advice and amazing tips.  Really we are the Project Runway or Biggest Loser of the fecal matter world.

That said, I wanted to share an extremely useful tip for putting off needing to urinate.  Often times it is not convenient or even possible to take a squeege…maybe you are in a car, meeting or in an area with lots of people and no bathroom.  Maybe you are at a critical part of a movie or concert.  Whatever the reason…you have to put off urinating.

What I have found is that if you are able to squeeze out some farts, you will lessen the pressure on your bladder.  But how is this done?  Won’t the loosening of the anus also loosen the bladder?  Possibly, for a second.  I have found that in the attempt to fart there is a sharp pain in the bladder, but it is quickly followed with an alleviation of pressure, buying you at least five more minutes until explosion time.  The more you can fart, the longer you can go!

Consider that my gift to you dear readers!  Merry Christmas!

Tricks of The Farting Trade – Fart Capturing

June 15, 2011 3 comments

It’s an age-old mystery. You let out the rankest, thickest, post-legume eating air biscuit and while everyone around you quickly vacates the premises with a look of sheer disgust, you stand there, liberally breathing in and admiring your thunder from down under. Even as I write this on the dooker, I’m basking in the aroma that fills the room with a sense of accomplishment/comfort. Is it something nature has built into us so we can mark our territory in the wilderness? Or is it something we develop the more time we spend with our gas and poop?

At any rate, this super power we possess opens the door for many opportunities of teasing and torture, my two favorite of which are covered wagons and cup o’ farts. For those unfortunate enough to not know what I’m referring to, allow me to explain. You’re laying in bed with your spouse and have the sudden urge to release some vaporized poo. Not wanting to let this opportunity go to waste, you let it out and before your spouse has the opportunity to exit the bed, you pull the covers over her head and trap her in the foul stench. You have just executed a flawless covered wagon.

Then we have the cup o’ fart. This sly trick can be executed at any time and in any location. All you need is your hand, a ready-to-be-released barking spider and a poor, unsuspecting target. When you’re ready, you drop the stinker into your open palm and quickly close it, trapping in the fart bubbles, only to be released under the nose of the aforementioned target. Years ago, a friend of mine took the cup o’ fart to a whole new level and introduced me to the jar of farts. He successfully trapped a nasty butt trumpet in a mason jar which he let ferment on his bedroom shelf. The concoction was released 6 months later under the nose of his dad who first dry heaved, then chased him around the house, cursing his name.