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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

One Man’s Stink Is That Same Man’s Glory!

January 11, 2012 Leave a comment
There is some stinky stuff out there.  From the B.O. on that dude on the bus every morning to the sour urine smell that comes from the toilet on a night where you haven’t drunk much water.  Our bodies create all sorts of fantastically amazing odors – some of which simply make the world cringe.  But secretly, we are all proud of and in some sick way, enjoy our own smells.
 
Don’t deny it you liar.  There is no one here on He Shat, She Shat to judge you.  It is a fact of life that we don’t mind our own stink.  We have already touched on this a few times on the blog, through Doogan Howser MD’s “Tricks of the Farting Trade” diagram to my “The Smell of My Poo is Statistically Significant,” but I think it merits more conversation.  The simple fact is that when you think you are sweaty and disgusting, you sniff your pits.  When you rock a nasty fart, you don’t run out of the room but instead stand their beaming with pride.  Even if you get poo finger (a Papa Squat classic!), you sniff it.  And the funny thing is, you don’t mind it at all.  In fact, most of the time you kind of like the smell of your body, even at its darkest hour.  Its only the repulsion of others that keeps us from sharing our stinks more fully with the world.
 
Well, this is one area where I actually agree with society.  Keep your stink to yourself.  As I used to say as a kid, “I Smells My Smells.”  Feel free to sniff, snort, lick, and inhale any of your own bodily odors.  But when your odors infringe in my nasal space – I will give you the stink eye.  And no, that is not just the way my face normally looks.  I’m judging you hard through a glare, and you deserve it.

Is That a Pube On My Desk?

January 9, 2012 3 comments

Maybe it’s just me but there is one thing that you will find on every corner of this Earth and relates to us all.  You think I’m going to say shat but you would be wrong.  While it’s in the top 3 it is not as prevalent as transport molecules.  What are transport molecules?  It’s an affectionate term that my wife likes to use when referring to pubes.

Call them what you want but they are everywhere.  They grow spontaneously, shake loose at every turn, blow this way and that with the wind, and somehow find their way onto our clothes, inside of our cars, and most disturbingly into our food and drink.  Seriously who hasn’t flossed their teeth with another person’s pube after accidentally ingesting it with a bite of lasagna?  Feel free to dry heave but it’s true and you know it has happened to you.

So what is my point.  The point is that the pube is underappreciated despite the major role it plays in society.  It’s a cousin to shat and the negative stigma society attaches to it.   So I’d like to throw a shout out to the short hairs and feel free to add your own in the comments section:

  • Thank you for keeping my junk warm on cold winter days.
  • Your shapes are diverse and fascinating.  I love when a whimsical curly cue adheres to my jacket after getting off the bus.
  • Next time you pick an eyelash off of your shirt just think – is that really an eyelash or possibly just an overgrown brazilian?
  • Not getting enough fiber?  We probably get more than we think thanks to transport molecules and their prevalence in our lives.  How many do you think we ingest incidentally every day?  100?
  • You are not racist, discriminatory, and do not hold a grudge.  If someone shaves you off you just keep coming back.  Your feelings are not hurt.  Your gift is given to all despite race, religion, or creed.
  • Like everyone you have your enemies.  Your kryptonite is the evil alopecia.
  • Sometimes you match the drapes and sometimes you don’t.
  • You do not get old and turn gray or white but maintain your youthful luster forever.

I could go on but I want to hear from you.  And remember, the next time you find a pube in your morning coffee, drink up and smile a knowing smile.  You are now enlightened…

Happy Poopsgiving to All!

November 30, 2011 Leave a comment

Thanksgiving is over and by now all the members of He Shat She Shat are trying desperately to defecate the mass quantities of food that went into their bodies over the weekend. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, beans, jello salad, cranberry sauce…even brussels sprouts. It’s all in there as are the leftovers that were consumed in the following days.

I learned this weekend that Wednesday night is also the biggest pizza night in america…beating out the Super Bowl and any other big event by a long shot. So basically, this weekend is the biggest weekend in America for stuffing our fat faces with endless amounts of food.

All this consumption is followed by what I call Poopsgiving. Poopsgiving is a holiday in it’s own right. It is a few day period where we all take extended periods on the toilet to thank our lucky stars that our digestive track effing works…because if it didn’t we would be in a hot mess of trouble. It’s our Colons and other vitals that allow us to live such happy and enjoyable lives so we can celebrate with family and friends.

As you sit there crapping out pound after pound of weekend waste, take some time to reflect on Poopsgiving and what it means to you. Also, don’t forget to replace the roll of TP when it’s over. The rest of the household is waiting for their turn to celebrate Poopsgiving!

The Smell of My Poo is Statistically Significant

November 8, 2011 1 comment

Some people have stinky poo.  There are no if’s, and’s or butts about it.  Let’s pretend that the average person has what I will call average smelling poo.  Now, based on a standard bell curve, that would mean that 68.2% of us fall within one standard deviation away from the norm.  I will call these people “Average” from now on in this post.  I will call those people who fall within 2 standard deviations (or the next 27.2%) as the “Stinkies.”  We all know a Stinky.  They are the roommate in college that would eliminate any possibility of using the shared bathroom for 10 minutes after they blasted crap.  This is the brother or sister you make fun of incessantly because their poos stink so badly.  Certainly not normal, but there are enough of these people out there to be just comical.  They are the butt of many raunchy jokes in movies and TV.

Then there are what I call the “STANK NASTIES.”  These are the remaining 5% who fall within 3 or more standard deviations away from the mean.  These sick SOB’s have the power to completely evacuate a house through the simple action of taking a crap.  You don’t meet them often, but when you do it is through an experience that literally blows your mind.  Here is a graph to make this clear for you about where each group falls on a normal bell curve.

A friend of mine is a Stank Nasty.  When we were younger I could walk in his house and instantly know if he had taken a dump anywhere in the home in the last hour.  The putrid air would stagnate and hang for hours after his bowel movements.  One night while having a sleepover at another friend’s house, he used the bathroom in the basement.  Hours later as we were upstairs getting a snack, we heard our friend’s father scream from the basement:  “Hey!  Tell XXX (stank nasty) to take a SH*T in his own house!!!” 

His powers are truly awesome and sometimes I get a little jealous that I can’t alter the course of the future simply by taking a shat.  Do you know a 
Stinky?  How about a Stank Nasty?  Maybe you think you are Average but really you are one of them.  Maybe I’M ONE?

I Use the Handicap Stall – and I’m Proud of It!

November 7, 2011 1 comment

As I mentioned in my previous post I am a huge fan of the handicap stalls in the men’s room.  If you know anything about me you will know that I need a little more room that the average male.  The “normal” stalls in the bathroom are tiny and putrid relative to the luxurious handicap version.  And believe me I am a discerning and educated user of public restrooms.  Having traveled 7 figure miles for work I am a connoisseur of any public, semi-public, hotel, restaurant, airline, and any other kind of bathroom you can think of.  I have seen it all when it comes to bathrooms so trust me when I say that being a handicrapper is the way to go.

My reasons are simple:

1. Often I am toting a backpack, briefcase, luggage, child, or some other item of importance.  Is there sufficient room in a normal stall for all of my crap?  No.  Do I like to leave my crap on the floor outside of the stall?  No.  Do I need to keep asking obvious questions?  No.

2.  In addition to room for your stuff there is actually room for you.  Have you ever had to step to the side of the toilet just to enter/leave the stall?  Exactly my point!  We should be able to stand in front of the throne and have plenty of room for the door to open and close.  True story – one time the stall was so tight I literally stabbed my thigh with the sharp corner of the TP dispenser (one of those metal kinds) as I adjusted to wipe.  No TP dispenser makes me bleed my own blood!

3. Throne height.  Let’s be honest I like to sit high with my feet firmly planted on the floor.  I have found the handicap throne to be perfectly suited to my tastes.  Do I want to take a crap with my knees in my face?  No.  Thrones in the handicap stall are a good 6 to 9 inches taller thus giving a more comfortable seat for the wild ride about to embark upon it.

4.  People are afraid of the handicap stall thus making it more available to me and my fellow handicrappers.  What is the world afraid of?  I have no idea but what I do know is that I love the handicap stall and the handicap stall loves me back.  Short lines only deepens my love!

5.  It keeps me interested.  I rarely take a leak at the urinal anymore if the handicap stall is available.  Why?  Because I like to go for distance.  What would my fellow bathroom goers think if I’m launching urine 5 feet from the urinal?  FREAK!  So I become relegated to standing 1 foot away and generating a significant urine dew upon my forearm hair and shoes?  Absolutely not.  Only the handicap stall gives you the room and privacy you need to make this happen.  Normal stalls just won’t cut it.  Your distance is way too limited by the stall door.

I could go on but I think you are getting the point.  If you haven’t tried it out, give it a whirl.  If you’re an afficianado – I salute you!

Share Your Poop Stories!

October 26, 2011 Leave a comment

Hey Poops and Poopettes,

We here at He Shat She Shat are having a great time telling you about our thoughts, musings, experiences and wonderings from the world of poo – but we recognize that there is a whole world of stories that exist out there amongst our readers.  We want to hear it!  Share with us the crazy story about Uncle Jim pooping his pants, or the dude at work that rots up the whole floor.  Its your chance for fame on He Shat, She Shat!

Email me at heshatsheshat@gmail.com and I’ll share your story with the world!  Can’t wait to hear what you crap out.

HSSS

Categories: Humor, Poo Tags: , , , , , , ,

Happy Birthday From the Can

October 18, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve got an interesting post on the way about the telephone versus toilet germ debate raging in the news recently but wanted to get out a quick anecdote in honor of my friend’s birthday today. I often receive text messages from this friend like the one below:

Friend: hey, just thinking about you, sup?

Me: thanks, doing great, you?

Friend: i am sitting on the can right now, just thought you’d like to know

You see this friend likes to text me while peeling black bananas and am I offended by this? NEVER! In fact I consider it a great honor that during perhaps the most intimate and sacred moment of my friend’s day I am in his thoughts. May we all be so thoughtful… Thank you Friend and Happy Birthday!

Papa Squat

PS: Typed from Droid while sitting on my favorite crapper at work