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Posts Tagged ‘fart’

Farting in Public – To Shame or to Be Ashamed?

I was in the bus the other day on my way to work.  At the moment I was enjoying some Words With Friends time.  Quick side note – how awesome is Words With Friends?  It has the whole world playing one of my favorite games which is Scrabble.  While I have been playing Scrabble online for about 11 years, I finally have many friends to play against and subsequently destroy over and over.  It’s a great pride booster. 
 
But I digress.  I was on my way home when suddenly the air filled with putrid butt-raunched gas.  Someone had effectively dropped a fart bomb in complete stealth mode – there was no indication as to who was the culprit and where they were sitting.  I could tell that everyone wanted to look around and sniff the individual out.  But we didn’t.  You know why?  Because society would have you believe that it’s more appropriate to pretend nothing happened then to divulge the perpetrator.  Society would have you believe that if you can squeeze one out silently, you don’t have to own up to it.  It’s that kind of behavior that leads people to commit crimes and other people to pretend they aren’t happening. 
I think we should have to own up to our farts – in public or private.  Clothing manufacturers should be required by law to line our pants with a special chemical that emits a purple glow when touched by human fart air.  Then we would all just have to accept that we fart and, empowered with knowledge, we could move away from the person who has fouled our breathing supply.  It might lead us all to eat better to avoid farting.  It might lead to more mercy and patience with our fellow men and women.  I think this could really change the human race for good.
 
HSSS, you a genius.

The Ultimate Job Interview Question

I hate job interviews – both interviewing and being interviewed.  While there is no perfect way of finding out whether a person is the right candidate for the job, I believe that spending 30-60 minutes with an individual and asking them questions where you can’t validate the validity of their answers is a waste.  Some people say that you can tell whether they are a good fit for the team.  Bullcrap.  Sure, if the person is a freak it might be obvious, but most people are on their best behavior in an interview.  Everyone is fun, smiley, a good listener, etc.  No, interviews are a joke.
 
Getting the right candidate for a job that involves customer service or customer relations is even more crucial because they have a direct impact on future sales/relationships by how they conduct themselves professionally.  
Now let’s transition.  Today I was in the bathroom.  I thought I was alone, but of course I didn’t check every single stall.  I had been holding in a massive fart all morning and I knew it would be unavoidably loud.  As I released it near the urinal, it squeaked out with a squealing shriek.  It was at that moment that I heard someone in the stall giggle in response.  I determined in that moment that there was a line in professionalism that is easy to draw.  EVERYONE thinks farts are funny – but as a stranger, you don’t laugh out loud at someone farting in the bathroom unless you have a lack of control and low professionalism. 
 
So here is the perfect test if you are interviewing for a client relations position.  Do the normal interviews, but then when the person needs to go to the bathroom, walk in and use a fart machine to drop one.  If he/she laughs – they are probably not the candidate for you.  Unless your clients are clowns.

Did My 1-Year-Old Just Fart In My Face?

January 5, 2012 3 comments

The other day I was reading a story to my nearly 2-year-old son. As I was reading, the mounting pressure in my colon had built to a point of no return, so I let it out without remorse. I was among family, and besides, my son was too young to get farting or really learn any socially deplorable habits from his terrible example of a father.

The second the air squeaked from my cheeks, my son giggled and said “Dada Toot!”. I was shocked, but had to left. But as we sat there reading Dr. Seuss, I couldn’t help but wonder if my example would lead to good or bad things. Growing up my family was open about farting and that clearly has had its impact (understatement of the century?). Other friends did not have that openness and called taking a dump “BMs” and farting “fluffering” or “floomfs” or something else completely ridiculous and wrong. But maybe that is the way to go? What do you all call farts and poop with your kids?

I finished the book certain that being open about bodily functions was the right way to go. As my son rolled off the bed, he put his butt in my face and forcefully squeezed out air. Then he laughed and said, “I TOOT!”. I wasn’t sure if I should scold him or hug him. He got the hug. Like father, like son I guess.

I Am Humbled By Your Farting Prowess

December 22, 2011 2 comments

I just came into close contact with a god. Not THEE God, but certainly A god by human standards. I am in the process of making the holiday travel to see family for Christmas. While I don’t really love 6am flights, I was happy to see that I had a layover in a nearby city around 7am, just in time for my regularly scheduled morning dump. I hate pooing on planes…it seems a bit tacky when there is a seat and passenger right outside your door.

Anyway, as I walked eagerly into the bathroom, I was pleased to see only one other stall occupied of the nearly 20 stalls in a long corridor. The man was just entering that stall as I walked in, so I chose one several stalls down to allow room for any additional poopers who might join us.

As I dropped my drawers and sat down, I heard (and felt) the thunder. It rumbled deep from within the man and presumably gurgled and fought its way through his large butt until it finally found its point of exit and exploded forth as a pre-poop fart eruption. “impressive!” I thought. But it wasn’t until 5-7 seconds later that I truly appreciated this mans farting prowess. I nearly puked in my mouth as i gagged and wretched at the stench. Somehow this man had created a stench strong enough to overpower and put to shame the extremely large space we were in that was already filled with bathroom stench to start with!!!

Dear sir, I stand humbled and in awe of your farting prowess. But my mouth is not agape…I am afraid to breath.

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Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , ,

When Did I Stop Being Cute?

December 9, 2011 3 comments

Why is this baby smiling?

It is a well-known fact that the baby’s first smile is not triggered by the warm glow of a loving parent’s face, nor the areola target that generates such sweet milky sustenance for its survival.  The fact is this.  The baby smiles because of the methane gas rolling through its belly and out its anus.  This is a fact that cannot be disputed.

Is this not the ultimate proof that society is screwed up?  If a baby drops a bomb it gets snuggles and cuddles yet I would be shunned.  I tried this once on a date or two back in the day and I can definitely say I did not get any action off the ladies due to my farting prowess.  This is wrong and everyone knows it.  Instead of choosing our mates based on attractiveness, sense of humor, potential money-making prowess, or any other intangible quality you deem relevant shouldn’t it be based on how well one can clear a room?

Just saying…

My Car is a Hot Box From Hell

November 16, 2011 1 comment
Hey Everyone!  He Shat She Shat here.  Sorry about the sudden drop in posts over the last few days.  You see, it’s that magical time of year when holidays starting popping up left and right, work accelerates at a ridiculous pace in order to finish out the year, and, well, we are all just darn pooped.  Expect the occasional decline in posts.  I’ll be honest – sometimes I’m just too full, fat and tired from the previous night’s party, or work function, or late nighter.
 
You know what else comes with this time of year?  Cold.  Yes, where I live there is much cold to be felt starting now through April.  Each morning is a fight between man and frost or snow.  In order to make the commute to work bearable, I have to crank up the heater and hope it somehow defogs my windshield by the time I hit the freeway.
 
But there are serious repercussions for me having to turn up the heat and shut my windows.  My car turns into a living, breathing hot box of butt air.  You see, I don’t really fart much in my sleep, so when I wake up in the morning I have approximately eight hours of pent-up gas sitting wildly at the tip of my anus.  Its beating on the orifice like that woman in the old K-mart commercials during Christmas:  “Open, Open, Open, Open, Open…”  The second I stand up the air starts to flow and continues throughout the next 2-3 hours.  Often times that air has been stewing around a large poo log, so to put it bluntly, it smells like crap.  Now take that scenario and combine it with me sitting in a compact, heated space for 45 minutes.  What you have there is a high potential for passing out from my own toxic fumes.  At the very least, my clothes get saturated with my own stink and I am the shame of the office.
 
Winter can really blow, you know? 
Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Birds and the Beans – How to Talk to Kids About Farting

October 25, 2011 Leave a comment

Everyone makes a fuss about talking to their children about sex.  I say POPPYCOCK!  Its easy! Just do what my dad did and take your son or daughter skiing and tell them all about it on the long ride up so that for the rest of the day they have to sit awkwardly on a chairlift trying not to imagine you, your pee pee and mom.  It worked well and certainly left me uninterested in sex for a healthy, long time.

But there is a much more important matter that your kids will face much earlier in life – farting.  Farting? Yes, farting.  While there are a few kids out there who will take pride in ripping phat ones in school in front of their friends and teachers, many will not.  In fact, many will feel shame and embarrassment.  THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN!  He Shat readers, we have to nip body and bowel shame in the bud where it starts…in our youth!

Can I recommend any of the following children’s books to help you breech this sensitive subject and get the conversation juices flowing?

Walter the Farting Dog by William Kotzwinkle (awesome last name)

Farley Farts by Birte Muller

The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho

It All Began With a Bean by Katy Mcky

The inspired authors are here to help and recognized that anyone can tell a story that teaches kids to not lie.  But a story that inspires children to love and appreciate the air that flows from their butts?  That is art and inspiration.