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Posts Tagged ‘farting’

Watch Out – I’m Silent But Deadly

April 19, 2012 1 comment
You know that pivotal moment when you need to fart in public and you try to judge whether it is going to be stank nasty or whether it will be completely scentless?  Its a scary thing.  You can think about the scent of your recent farts or even what you have eaten the past 24 hours, but you never really know what is going to happen.  It seems completely random, doesn’t it?  One moment you’ll be farting clean, odorless gas and then you let another one slide and it completely fouls up the entire office!
 
Why is there so much variation in the smell of one’s gas and why does the stink vary even in people who are eating practically the same meals every day?  Well, I took to googling it and stumbled upon an insightful article by Men’s Fitness.  Here is an excerpt that I think answers our question:

“Every person has a slightly different collection of bacteria and yeasts in their gut, and each organism contributes a slightly different nuance to the overall fragrance and volume of gas. Just as a fine wine keeps the palate stimulated with a variety of taste “notes,” each person’s unique batch of intestinal organisms lends shading to the stench of their farts. Your roommate (and my brother, apparently) simply have a collection of organisms that produce a horrid, malodorous, voluminous reek.”

So it is completely random!  If you are one of those people that has a collection of organismis that produce a horrid, malodorous, voluminous reek (like myself), then you are just screwed for life.  But my favorite thing about the article is that it offers a bit of hope at the end in a new product:

“In 1997, Chester Weimer was granted patent No. 5593398 entitled “Protective underwear with malodorous flatus filter.” The undergarment has a pocket on the rear that has a replaceable activated charcoal packet, which the subject farts through. The sound and odor are muffled by passage through the filter. I’d suggest buying a pair for your roommate and see if they work. If they do, you’ll be living in a more fart-free environment. If they don’t you will have a hilarious story to tell your friends. Either way it’s win-win for you.”

I have to get me some of these underwears

My Car is a Hot Box From Hell

November 16, 2011 1 comment
Hey Everyone!  He Shat She Shat here.  Sorry about the sudden drop in posts over the last few days.  You see, it’s that magical time of year when holidays starting popping up left and right, work accelerates at a ridiculous pace in order to finish out the year, and, well, we are all just darn pooped.  Expect the occasional decline in posts.  I’ll be honest – sometimes I’m just too full, fat and tired from the previous night’s party, or work function, or late nighter.
 
You know what else comes with this time of year?  Cold.  Yes, where I live there is much cold to be felt starting now through April.  Each morning is a fight between man and frost or snow.  In order to make the commute to work bearable, I have to crank up the heater and hope it somehow defogs my windshield by the time I hit the freeway.
 
But there are serious repercussions for me having to turn up the heat and shut my windows.  My car turns into a living, breathing hot box of butt air.  You see, I don’t really fart much in my sleep, so when I wake up in the morning I have approximately eight hours of pent-up gas sitting wildly at the tip of my anus.  Its beating on the orifice like that woman in the old K-mart commercials during Christmas:  “Open, Open, Open, Open, Open…”  The second I stand up the air starts to flow and continues throughout the next 2-3 hours.  Often times that air has been stewing around a large poo log, so to put it bluntly, it smells like crap.  Now take that scenario and combine it with me sitting in a compact, heated space for 45 minutes.  What you have there is a high potential for passing out from my own toxic fumes.  At the very least, my clothes get saturated with my own stink and I am the shame of the office.
 
Winter can really blow, you know? 
Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , , ,

Would You Rather? The Fart Edition

August 25, 2011 5 comments

Have you ever played that game “Would You Rather”? You know, you ask someone a “would you rather” question, like “Would you rather always smell like fish or always have bad breath?” The question is then answered and a furious and emotional debate about the correct answer ensues. (For those curious, the correct answer to the aforementioned questioned is “bad breath”. If you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong.)

I need you to answer this one for me. Would you rather have an average amount of gas that smells pretty nasty most of the time, or have copious amounts of gas that only carry a stench about 10% of the time? Wait. Before you answer, consider this. Along with the nasty gas comes the inability to hold it in. Whereas, with the over-gaseous bowels, you would be blessed with a strong sphincter, able to withstand hours of bowel-shaking, monster truck force from within.

Again, the answer is quite clear. Give me the gaseous giant any day. I speak from experience. My wife would beg to differ. She also speaks from experience. You see, she has the uncanny inability to keep her farts sealed up tight in order to release them in an appropriate location. It doesn’t matter if we’re in church, in an elevator or in a small gathering with a group of friends, she just opens up and drops those stank nast bombs when they come knocking on the door. Granted, the frequency of said occurrence is low, but the risk is oh so high. Unless of course your husband is right next to you during the crop dusting, then he’s the one who’s naturally blamed for the unsavory aroma.

On the other hand, I can chose the most appropriate place to drop my LBH’s (Loud But Harmless). Whether that be during a quick trip to the john or in my little brother’s face. The point is, it’s much more advantageous to have complete control over such a powerful tool even if it does mean a few more gas cramps than the average bowel. Help me out here.

Please tell me I’m not the crazy one in this relationship.

Tricks of The Farting Trade – Fart Capturing

June 15, 2011 3 comments

It’s an age-old mystery. You let out the rankest, thickest, post-legume eating air biscuit and while everyone around you quickly vacates the premises with a look of sheer disgust, you stand there, liberally breathing in and admiring your thunder from down under. Even as I write this on the dooker, I’m basking in the aroma that fills the room with a sense of accomplishment/comfort. Is it something nature has built into us so we can mark our territory in the wilderness? Or is it something we develop the more time we spend with our gas and poop?

At any rate, this super power we possess opens the door for many opportunities of teasing and torture, my two favorite of which are covered wagons and cup o’ farts. For those unfortunate enough to not know what I’m referring to, allow me to explain. You’re laying in bed with your spouse and have the sudden urge to release some vaporized poo. Not wanting to let this opportunity go to waste, you let it out and before your spouse has the opportunity to exit the bed, you pull the covers over her head and trap her in the foul stench. You have just executed a flawless covered wagon.

Then we have the cup o’ fart. This sly trick can be executed at any time and in any location. All you need is your hand, a ready-to-be-released barking spider and a poor, unsuspecting target. When you’re ready, you drop the stinker into your open palm and quickly close it, trapping in the fart bubbles, only to be released under the nose of the aforementioned target. Years ago, a friend of mine took the cup o’ fart to a whole new level and introduced me to the jar of farts. He successfully trapped a nasty butt trumpet in a mason jar which he let ferment on his bedroom shelf. The concoction was released 6 months later under the nose of his dad who first dry heaved, then chased him around the house, cursing his name.