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Posts Tagged ‘Gas’

Farting in Public – To Shame or to Be Ashamed?

I was in the bus the other day on my way to work.  At the moment I was enjoying some Words With Friends time.  Quick side note – how awesome is Words With Friends?  It has the whole world playing one of my favorite games which is Scrabble.  While I have been playing Scrabble online for about 11 years, I finally have many friends to play against and subsequently destroy over and over.  It’s a great pride booster. 
 
But I digress.  I was on my way home when suddenly the air filled with putrid butt-raunched gas.  Someone had effectively dropped a fart bomb in complete stealth mode – there was no indication as to who was the culprit and where they were sitting.  I could tell that everyone wanted to look around and sniff the individual out.  But we didn’t.  You know why?  Because society would have you believe that it’s more appropriate to pretend nothing happened then to divulge the perpetrator.  Society would have you believe that if you can squeeze one out silently, you don’t have to own up to it.  It’s that kind of behavior that leads people to commit crimes and other people to pretend they aren’t happening. 
I think we should have to own up to our farts – in public or private.  Clothing manufacturers should be required by law to line our pants with a special chemical that emits a purple glow when touched by human fart air.  Then we would all just have to accept that we fart and, empowered with knowledge, we could move away from the person who has fouled our breathing supply.  It might lead us all to eat better to avoid farting.  It might lead to more mercy and patience with our fellow men and women.  I think this could really change the human race for good.
 
HSSS, you a genius.

Beans Aren’t Always to Blame

The good name of beans are always getting kicked around in the mud.  These poor little beads of deliciousness are accustomed to taking the blame for all that air that explodes from your anus.  They even have a product named after them – Beano – which helps you mitigate farts when eating food.  I can’t help but wonder why they have been singled out as the culprit for gas?  I mean, I won’t sit here and deny that beans make you fart.  They do.  But in the world of air creating food products, beans hardly make a dent in my gastronomical list of nightmares.  Having discussed this with many individuals, I have also learned that we all have unique bodies, and fart triggering food differs from person to person.

For example, I quickly learned that pizza gives me mad gas.  Not vegetable pizza or meat pizza – just pizza.  I don’t know if it is the sugary marinara sauce or the carbs from the crust, but any night I have a pizza party, I eventually start dropping gas bombs at every turn.  It’s an immediate reaction.  Sugar in general seems to be a trigger – especially if I consume a lot of soda in a day.  I have learned that the reason why I farted so much in high school and college was because I had about 66oz of Mountain Dew a day.  That converted to about 300+ farts per 24 hour period. 

But my biggest nemesis?  GRANOLA CEREALS.  Granola (or even worst, Cracklin’ Oat Bran) will literally convert my intestinal track into a weapon of mass destruction.  Not only is the air compact and explosive, but it is coupled with a smell that would even offend the walking dead.  It is heavy and lingers, and sticky so it attaches to your clothes.  It’s almost humid enough to frizz out your hair if you walk by.  You really don’t want to be around me for a day after I eat granola cereal.

What sets your butt off?

One Man’s Stink Is That Same Man’s Glory!

January 11, 2012 Leave a comment
There is some stinky stuff out there.  From the B.O. on that dude on the bus every morning to the sour urine smell that comes from the toilet on a night where you haven’t drunk much water.  Our bodies create all sorts of fantastically amazing odors – some of which simply make the world cringe.  But secretly, we are all proud of and in some sick way, enjoy our own smells.
 
Don’t deny it you liar.  There is no one here on He Shat, She Shat to judge you.  It is a fact of life that we don’t mind our own stink.  We have already touched on this a few times on the blog, through Doogan Howser MD’s “Tricks of the Farting Trade” diagram to my “The Smell of My Poo is Statistically Significant,” but I think it merits more conversation.  The simple fact is that when you think you are sweaty and disgusting, you sniff your pits.  When you rock a nasty fart, you don’t run out of the room but instead stand their beaming with pride.  Even if you get poo finger (a Papa Squat classic!), you sniff it.  And the funny thing is, you don’t mind it at all.  In fact, most of the time you kind of like the smell of your body, even at its darkest hour.  Its only the repulsion of others that keeps us from sharing our stinks more fully with the world.
 
Well, this is one area where I actually agree with society.  Keep your stink to yourself.  As I used to say as a kid, “I Smells My Smells.”  Feel free to sniff, snort, lick, and inhale any of your own bodily odors.  But when your odors infringe in my nasal space – I will give you the stink eye.  And no, that is not just the way my face normally looks.  I’m judging you hard through a glare, and you deserve it.

I Am Humbled By Your Farting Prowess

December 22, 2011 2 comments

I just came into close contact with a god. Not THEE God, but certainly A god by human standards. I am in the process of making the holiday travel to see family for Christmas. While I don’t really love 6am flights, I was happy to see that I had a layover in a nearby city around 7am, just in time for my regularly scheduled morning dump. I hate pooing on planes…it seems a bit tacky when there is a seat and passenger right outside your door.

Anyway, as I walked eagerly into the bathroom, I was pleased to see only one other stall occupied of the nearly 20 stalls in a long corridor. The man was just entering that stall as I walked in, so I chose one several stalls down to allow room for any additional poopers who might join us.

As I dropped my drawers and sat down, I heard (and felt) the thunder. It rumbled deep from within the man and presumably gurgled and fought its way through his large butt until it finally found its point of exit and exploded forth as a pre-poop fart eruption. “impressive!” I thought. But it wasn’t until 5-7 seconds later that I truly appreciated this mans farting prowess. I nearly puked in my mouth as i gagged and wretched at the stench. Somehow this man had created a stench strong enough to overpower and put to shame the extremely large space we were in that was already filled with bathroom stench to start with!!!

Dear sir, I stand humbled and in awe of your farting prowess. But my mouth is not agape…I am afraid to breath.

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Categories: Farting, Humor Tags: , , , , , ,

When Did I Stop Being Cute?

December 9, 2011 3 comments

Why is this baby smiling?

It is a well-known fact that the baby’s first smile is not triggered by the warm glow of a loving parent’s face, nor the areola target that generates such sweet milky sustenance for its survival.  The fact is this.  The baby smiles because of the methane gas rolling through its belly and out its anus.  This is a fact that cannot be disputed.

Is this not the ultimate proof that society is screwed up?  If a baby drops a bomb it gets snuggles and cuddles yet I would be shunned.  I tried this once on a date or two back in the day and I can definitely say I did not get any action off the ladies due to my farting prowess.  This is wrong and everyone knows it.  Instead of choosing our mates based on attractiveness, sense of humor, potential money-making prowess, or any other intangible quality you deem relevant shouldn’t it be based on how well one can clear a room?

Just saying…

The Birds and the Beans – How to Talk to Kids About Farting

October 25, 2011 Leave a comment

Everyone makes a fuss about talking to their children about sex.  I say POPPYCOCK!  Its easy! Just do what my dad did and take your son or daughter skiing and tell them all about it on the long ride up so that for the rest of the day they have to sit awkwardly on a chairlift trying not to imagine you, your pee pee and mom.  It worked well and certainly left me uninterested in sex for a healthy, long time.

But there is a much more important matter that your kids will face much earlier in life – farting.  Farting? Yes, farting.  While there are a few kids out there who will take pride in ripping phat ones in school in front of their friends and teachers, many will not.  In fact, many will feel shame and embarrassment.  THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN!  He Shat readers, we have to nip body and bowel shame in the bud where it starts…in our youth!

Can I recommend any of the following children’s books to help you breech this sensitive subject and get the conversation juices flowing?

Walter the Farting Dog by William Kotzwinkle (awesome last name)

Farley Farts by Birte Muller

The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho

It All Began With a Bean by Katy Mcky

The inspired authors are here to help and recognized that anyone can tell a story that teaches kids to not lie.  But a story that inspires children to love and appreciate the air that flows from their butts?  That is art and inspiration.

The Power of Pregnancy Farts

October 5, 2011 2 comments
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing.  Despite all the sickness, inadequacy, bloating and discomfort a woman must feel during the time of complete craziness, I think they often misjudge the impact that pregnancy has on a man’s physical and emotional interest in her.  “I’m fat, bloated, and too tired to wear makeup – how could he love me as much as before?”  The answer is simple – you are carrying your mutual child and suffering greatly on the behalf of his happiness.  I must say that that fact alone had a great impact on me as a prospective father.  I found my wife to be extraordinarily beautiful during her pregnancy, despite the popping belly, morning sickness, and occasional emotional roller coasters.  There may have never been a time when I was more attracted to her as a woman (I’m not saying that because of resulting enlarged breasts – it wasn’t JUST that).
 
But there is one element of pregnancy that truly rocked my world.  That beast is the emergence of Pregnancy Farts (PF’s).  PF’s start quickly after conception and last throughout the entire nine months.  Whether or not a woman has stinky or frequent gas prior to pregnancy, it will only get worse.  Many claim that this is a result of a changing body or possibly a changing diet in response to the pregnancy.  I disagree.  In the same way that a woman might claim, “I’m eating for two” I claim that she is “farting for two.”  Yes, I believe that the little fetus is contributing fart power into the woman’s body, resulting in massive and noxious gas that is released into your home, bedroom and car.  No manner of medical evidence will convince me otherwise – I must have someone to blame this on other than just the woman.  Why not blame the unborn kid?
 
If you have experienced this crazy phenomenon, give me a shout out and tell your tales.