The good name of beans are always getting kicked around in the mud. These poor little beads of deliciousness are accustomed to taking the blame for all that air that explodes from your anus. They even have a product named after them – Beano – which helps you mitigate farts when eating food. I can’t help but wonder why they have been singled out as the culprit for gas? I mean, I won’t sit here and deny that beans make you fart. They do. But in the world of air creating food products, beans hardly make a dent in my gastronomical list of nightmares. Having discussed this with many individuals, I have also learned that we all have unique bodies, and fart triggering food differs from person to person.
For example, I quickly learned that pizza gives me mad gas. Not vegetable pizza or meat pizza – just pizza. I don’t know if it is the sugary marinara sauce or the carbs from the crust, but any night I have a pizza party, I eventually start dropping gas bombs at every turn. It’s an immediate reaction. Sugar in general seems to be a trigger – especially if I consume a lot of soda in a day. I have learned that the reason why I farted so much in high school and college was because I had about 66oz of Mountain Dew a day. That converted to about 300+ farts per 24 hour period.
But my biggest nemesis? GRANOLA CEREALS. Granola (or even worst, Cracklin’ Oat Bran) will literally convert my intestinal track into a weapon of mass destruction. Not only is the air compact and explosive, but it is coupled with a smell that would even offend the walking dead. It is heavy and lingers, and sticky so it attaches to your clothes. It’s almost humid enough to frizz out your hair if you walk by. You really don’t want to be around me for a day after I eat granola cereal.
What sets your butt off?
I just came into close contact with a god. Not THEE God, but certainly A god by human standards. I am in the process of making the holiday travel to see family for Christmas. While I don’t really love 6am flights, I was happy to see that I had a layover in a nearby city around 7am, just in time for my regularly scheduled morning dump. I hate pooing on planes…it seems a bit tacky when there is a seat and passenger right outside your door.
Anyway, as I walked eagerly into the bathroom, I was pleased to see only one other stall occupied of the nearly 20 stalls in a long corridor. The man was just entering that stall as I walked in, so I chose one several stalls down to allow room for any additional poopers who might join us.
As I dropped my drawers and sat down, I heard (and felt) the thunder. It rumbled deep from within the man and presumably gurgled and fought its way through his large butt until it finally found its point of exit and exploded forth as a pre-poop fart eruption. “impressive!” I thought. But it wasn’t until 5-7 seconds later that I truly appreciated this mans farting prowess. I nearly puked in my mouth as i gagged and wretched at the stench. Somehow this man had created a stench strong enough to overpower and put to shame the extremely large space we were in that was already filled with bathroom stench to start with!!!
Dear sir, I stand humbled and in awe of your farting prowess. But my mouth is not agape…I am afraid to breath.
It is a well-known fact that the baby’s first smile is not triggered by the warm glow of a loving parent’s face, nor the areola target that generates such sweet milky sustenance for its survival. The fact is this. The baby smiles because of the methane gas rolling through its belly and out its anus. This is a fact that cannot be disputed.
Is this not the ultimate proof that society is screwed up? If a baby drops a bomb it gets snuggles and cuddles yet I would be shunned. I tried this once on a date or two back in the day and I can definitely say I did not get any action off the ladies due to my farting prowess. This is wrong and everyone knows it. Instead of choosing our mates based on attractiveness, sense of humor, potential money-making prowess, or any other intangible quality you deem relevant shouldn’t it be based on how well one can clear a room?
Everyone makes a fuss about talking to their children about sex. I say POPPYCOCK! Its easy! Just do what my dad did and take your son or daughter skiing and tell them all about it on the long ride up so that for the rest of the day they have to sit awkwardly on a chairlift trying not to imagine you, your pee pee and mom. It worked well and certainly left me uninterested in sex for a healthy, long time.
But there is a much more important matter that your kids will face much earlier in life – farting. Farting? Yes, farting. While there are a few kids out there who will take pride in ripping phat ones in school in front of their friends and teachers, many will not. In fact, many will feel shame and embarrassment. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! He Shat readers, we have to nip body and bowel shame in the bud where it starts…in our youth!
Can I recommend any of the following children’s books to help you breech this sensitive subject and get the conversation juices flowing?
Farley Farts by Birte Muller
The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho
The inspired authors are here to help and recognized that anyone can tell a story that teaches kids to not lie. But a story that inspires children to love and appreciate the air that flows from their butts? That is art and inspiration.