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Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Baby Blowout Story #3: White Trash in Luxury Paradise

May 23, 2012 2 comments
My first son is the most flexible little child I have ever encountered when it comes to being able to take him out to stores, stay up late, sit in restaurants, etc.  He almost rarely throws a tantrum, and when he does it lasts about 7 seconds before he calms down and moves on to something else that makes him happy.  That is a fantastic thing for a couple like us – we found that having one child really wasn’t that different from having no children.  We still went out as much as we wanted and pretty much wherever we wanted.  It was that freedom that would ultimately lead to one of the most shameful moments of my life – and one of the awesomest.
 
It all took place at our local upscale mall.  We were walking around enjoying a beautiful summer day, looking at stores and pretending we had the money to buy stuff.  We passed by a Tiffany’s and I joked about going in to see how much it costs to get something there.  We wandered in and fortunately it was packed, so no one was there to hassle us or stare us down for bringing an infant into the store.  I carried my son – he was only about 5 months at the time. 
 
My wife was browsing the rings and had found herself entranced by some very large gems.  She flagged down a salesman and tried it on.  It was beautiful and I was momentarily transfixed by its shininess.  It was in the moment that I sensed something aweful had occurred.  I didn’t quite know what it was, but the feeling was strong and came from the deepest caverns of my intuition.  I looked down and saw a brown mush dripping down my arm.  My heart stopped for a minute as I realized I was victim of a full on blow out – but how bad was the damage?  My eyse followed the trail of dump as it dripped down my arm, onto my stomacy, all over my chest, and ultimately all over the store’s carpet in gigantic plops. 
 
I grabbed my wife’s arm – “we gotta problem honey.”  Her response was that the ring wasn’t as expensive as I would think. It was then her eyes followed mine down toward the ground and she shrieked.  The saleswoman also saw it – and pointed to the back where there was a bathroom.  We ran, me holding the child tightly to my chest to avoid any additional spillage.  Once in the bathroom, I took of all my clothes and soaked them in the sink.  Then we strippd our son naked and soaked his clothes.  About 15 minutes later I was re-dressed in my soaking clothes and my son was wearing nothing but a diaper.  We sat in there a bit longer and strategized our exit.  Finally we agreed – let’s just run.  So we flung the door open and ran out, passing the manager the floor scrubbing the stained carpet with a rag. The store was empty – my son’s butt had cleared the entire store.  
 
A few months later I returned to the store incognito, wearing sunglasses and a hat.  I had to know what had happened to the carpet.  As I approached the rings, I noticed a large circle that was faded where my wife had been standing.  I then followed several more circles leading toward the bathroom.  I guess that ring was never meant to be. 

Baby Blowout Story #2: The Triple Threat!

May 2, 2012 1 comment

This story comes from long time reader, first time writer who I will call D Fresh.  While not a “blowout” story per se, it captures the spirit:

I was in San Diego working.  My wife and two twin sons were all sick.  One of the boys never pukes but the other and his mother are hardcore pukers at the drop of a hat. While the two boys are playing, the easy-puke son threw up on himself and his brother.  My wife was obviously disgusted and threw the boys in the bathtub to get clean.  A sensible thing to do for a mom, right? 

Soon she hears them laughing and doesn’t think much about it. She goes in to check on them and the other son had pooped in the bathtub, which he was doing every four out of five trips to the bathtub at this point in his life. This time, they had put the poop in each other’s hair and were laughing every time they put on another piece. My wife was super-disgusted and throws them into the shower in the other bathroom. She figured she’d shower with them for craziness containment and efficiency of cleaing them up. As soon as she gets in, she gets overwhelmed with the smell of poop, already being nauseous, and hurls on both boys. To review, we went from one puking on two, then gelling each other’s hair with poop, to mom puking on both of the boys. The power of smell is amazing.

Brotip #1735 – Answering a Toy Phone

April 23, 2012 1 comment

Let me give you a tip from a brand new parent of two little boys (coming direct from www.brotips.com): 

That is about as true as a statement as you’ll ever read – here on He Shat She Shat or anywhere else.  If you are the kind of male that won’t play pretend with your kid when he/she hands you a toy phone, you can go ahead and consider yourself a sucky parent.  Period.  If you are that person, there is still hope for you – but it is going to require that you don’t be such a piece of crap and learn to actually care about something other than yourself.  You up for the challenge?

Pooping During Pregnancy – Not Just a Wives Tale

March 23, 2012 1 comment

I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and giving birth a lot recently – not because I am giving birth (I am male), but because my wife will be doing it soon with our second and a close relative just squeezed out a baby within the last few hours.  What a glorious moment!  I remember when my first son was born, I was entranced just staring into his dark, black eyes as he fixed his vision on your face where he could hear your voice.  It was a magical 30 minutes before the little guy got tuckered out and went to sleep.

But not all elements of giving birth are glorious, including taking a huge, fat dump while you are pushing that sucker out.  You don’t believe me?  Well, its true.  Check out this quote from a Parent Dish article regarding labor fears

“What people who have never had a baby need to know is that pushing out a baby is exactly the same as pushing out the biggest BM of your life. You are using all the same muscles to bear down on the baby.  It makes sense that other, uh,  stuff (besides a baby) is going to work its way out of your body”

Yep people, its true.  While giving birth, you may just squirt out a gigantic thud of a doogan all over the floor.  While this article tends to make it sound like its no big deal…they are sugar coating it.  Taking a duke in front of everyone is crazy.  If at all possible, take a duke as close to going into the hospital as possible.  But if it can’t be avoided, try to laugh it off by saying “ah crap” or something.  Maybe it will deflect the reality that you just dumped in a nurse’s hands.

Potty Training – My Greatest Parenting Fear

March 12, 2012 6 comments
I’m terrified of potty training.  Of all the new and terrifying experiences that come with having a child, the one I am most terrified of is potty training.  I remember growing up and having a friend who was “that kid.”  Yes, Ritchie was five and still peed his pants.  I remember sleeping over at his house in a fort we had made.  Half way through the night it smelled so grotesquely of piss that I had to leave the fort and sleep on the cold floor in the opposite corner of the room to escape the smell.  How did that happen to him?  Was it poor potty training? 
 
I have a theory that you have a very small window when a child is ready to be potty trained.  If you start earlier than that window, then you spend the next 3-12 months cleaning up piss and fecal matter from sheets, floors and blankets.  Endless loads of laundry and disrupted sleep.  But if you let the window pass, you end up with a kid who decides that there is no need to be potty trained – that pissing himself will be an acceptable lifestyle for life.  Only the terrible tauntings and wrath of evil little 5-year-olds will change that kids mind.  Until then, its urine city. 
 
So how do you nail it right in the middle of that precious window?  Given my son’s background, I’m thinking that window might last about 42 seconds instead of a few weeks.  I am waiting for the day he says, “I need go potty” and I am going to jump on that crap immediately.  I have this feeling he is going to only ask once…and that’s it. 
 
Seriously, if you have any potty training tips, I’m an empty receptacle waiting for your knowledge donation.

I Am The Victim of Inequality – And I Love It!

March 7, 2012 2 comments

Most of the time I am all about equality.  I am happy to proclaim equal opportunity rights for all races, sexes, religions, etc.  I got nothing against people who are different from me and I would prefer to be treated with respect and given the same chances as anyone else.  But there are some situations where I am the victim of inequality – and in one case I am more than happy to keep my mouth freakin shut.

I started to notice this inequality once I had a baby.  Picture this scenario:  you are out at the mall shopping with your wife and 6-month-old son.  Everything is going swimmingly.  That shirt you wanted was 50% off with an additional 5% coupon!  It is in that moment you sense wetness on your arm and realize your son has had a blowout.  A brownout.  A literal explosion of poohs ejaculated itself from his diaper onto your arm.

Your heart sinks.  It is your turn to change him.  Fate is against you…or is it?  As you find the public bathroom, you realize there is no baby changing facility in the men’s bathroom, only the woman’s.  You are the victim of inequality, and you have never been more grateful in your life.  It seems that women are speaking out because I am noticing more and more installed in men’s bathrooms.  But until the freedom bells of equality ring nationwide, I am going to relish in one less diaper I have to change.

Curse of the 6:30 am Poo

January 14, 2012 2 comments

Instead of sleeping, I am sitting here in the dark taking a dump. It’s Saturday at 6:30. After an exhausting work week, I was so amped for the weekend sleep in. My son magically has been sleeping in until 9am or later…a miracle for anyone with a 2 year old. So why am I not taking advantage?

My poo cycle has slowly moved earlier and earlier, that’s why. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning every day, mixed with earlier dinner times to accommodate my son, has caused my poo time to shift from about 9:30 to 6:30. I woke up this morning and last Saturday with the insatiable need to poo at 6:30.

So here i sit, desperately trying to figure out a way to trick my butt into sleeping in next time. Any suggestions?