This story comes from long time reader, first time writer who I will call D Fresh. While not a “blowout” story per se, it captures the spirit:
I was in San Diego working. My wife and two twin sons were all sick. One of the boys never pukes but the other and his mother are hardcore pukers at the drop of a hat. While the two boys are playing, the easy-puke son threw up on himself and his brother. My wife was obviously disgusted and threw the boys in the bathtub to get clean. A sensible thing to do for a mom, right?
Soon she hears them laughing and doesn’t think much about it. She goes in to check on them and the other son had pooped in the bathtub, which he was doing every four out of five trips to the bathtub at this point in his life. This time, they had put the poop in each other’s hair and were laughing every time they put on another piece. My wife was super-disgusted and throws them into the shower in the other bathroom. She figured she’d shower with them for craziness containment and efficiency of cleaing them up. As soon as she gets in, she gets overwhelmed with the smell of poop, already being nauseous, and hurls on both boys. To review, we went from one puking on two, then gelling each other’s hair with poop, to mom puking on both of the boys. The power of smell is amazing.
Let me give you a tip from a brand new parent of two little boys (coming direct from www.brotips.com):
That is about as true as a statement as you’ll ever read – here on He Shat She Shat or anywhere else. If you are the kind of male that won’t play pretend with your kid when he/she hands you a toy phone, you can go ahead and consider yourself a sucky parent. Period. If you are that person, there is still hope for you – but it is going to require that you don’t be such a piece of crap and learn to actually care about something other than yourself. You up for the challenge?
I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and giving birth a lot recently – not because I am giving birth (I am male), but because my wife will be doing it soon with our second and a close relative just squeezed out a baby within the last few hours. What a glorious moment! I remember when my first son was born, I was entranced just staring into his dark, black eyes as he fixed his vision on your face where he could hear your voice. It was a magical 30 minutes before the little guy got tuckered out and went to sleep.
But not all elements of giving birth are glorious, including taking a huge, fat dump while you are pushing that sucker out. You don’t believe me? Well, its true. Check out this quote from a Parent Dish article regarding labor fears.
“What people who have never had a baby need to know is that pushing out a baby is exactly the same as pushing out the biggest BM of your life. You are using all the same muscles to bear down on the baby. It makes sense that other, uh, stuff (besides a baby) is going to work its way out of your body”
Yep people, its true. While giving birth, you may just squirt out a gigantic thud of a doogan all over the floor. While this article tends to make it sound like its no big deal…they are sugar coating it. Taking a duke in front of everyone is crazy. If at all possible, take a duke as close to going into the hospital as possible. But if it can’t be avoided, try to laugh it off by saying “ah crap” or something. Maybe it will deflect the reality that you just dumped in a nurse’s hands.
Most of the time I am all about equality. I am happy to proclaim equal opportunity rights for all races, sexes, religions, etc. I got nothing against people who are different from me and I would prefer to be treated with respect and given the same chances as anyone else. But there are some situations where I am the victim of inequality – and in one case I am more than happy to keep my mouth freakin shut.
I started to notice this inequality once I had a baby. Picture this scenario: you are out at the mall shopping with your wife and 6-month-old son. Everything is going swimmingly. That shirt you wanted was 50% off with an additional 5% coupon! It is in that moment you sense wetness on your arm and realize your son has had a blowout. A brownout. A literal explosion of poohs ejaculated itself from his diaper onto your arm.
Your heart sinks. It is your turn to change him. Fate is against you…or is it? As you find the public bathroom, you realize there is no baby changing facility in the men’s bathroom, only the woman’s. You are the victim of inequality, and you have never been more grateful in your life. It seems that women are speaking out because I am noticing more and more installed in men’s bathrooms. But until the freedom bells of equality ring nationwide, I am going to relish in one less diaper I have to change.
Instead of sleeping, I am sitting here in the dark taking a dump. It’s Saturday at 6:30. After an exhausting work week, I was so amped for the weekend sleep in. My son magically has been sleeping in until 9am or later…a miracle for anyone with a 2 year old. So why am I not taking advantage?
My poo cycle has slowly moved earlier and earlier, that’s why. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning every day, mixed with earlier dinner times to accommodate my son, has caused my poo time to shift from about 9:30 to 6:30. I woke up this morning and last Saturday with the insatiable need to poo at 6:30.
So here i sit, desperately trying to figure out a way to trick my butt into sleeping in next time. Any suggestions?