Get ready for a week-long dedication to baby blow out stories here on He Shat, She Shat! As parents, we recognize how much fecal matter becomes a part of your life. We will share with you our stories and hope you will share yours in the comments section:
It was a lovely trip to the zoo with my 9 month old. I love this age because they are old enough to really get the excitement of things and are no longer floppy and boring. Given this recent musculature development in my child I was able to do things I could never do before like carry him in one arm while he was upright, extend him over the younger elementary school children so he could see the Polar Bears, and of course, to ride him on my shoulders.
The ironic thing is that when it happened I was actually ducking for cover as a flock of geese had let loose a bombardment of excrement my way. As it was a warm summers day and my propensity to sweat were both in full force I didn’t think anything of it for a few moments. You would have thought that the smell would have triggered my brain but as many of you may know breastfed babies poo really does not smell at all.
It wasn’t until I felt it running down my collarbone and belly that I realized something was wrong. The blowout was occuring upon my neck and, being a concerned father, I had baby squished right against me as to prevent any possible falling. The waterfall of yellow seed blowout diarrhea poo was upon me, covering my entire torso and neck.
Aside from the misery of the lengthy trip home, wiping myself off with diaper wipes in a public place, and the knowledge that I was a terrible replacement for a diaper at least I can take solace in the fact that I wasn’t the only thing that was shat upon that trip. Wifey got a hairful of goose!
Not the sickest thing I have ever done. I personally have never done anything as sick as the story I am about to tell. A relative recently had a baby (who is freakin’ adorable, I might add). She toughed out the labor and delivery like a champ without any epidural. Unfortunately, there was some ripping. My guess is there was a lot of ripping, and tearing, and stitches. If any of you have had a wife have a baby, or given birth yourself, then you know that the weeks following birth are a bit sensitive.
Enter constipation. The crappy thing about giving birth and pregnancy is that it puts your body out of whack in a major way. This woman, who was already proned to constipation, became über constipated. One day she called me, only to have this conversation:
Relative: “I’ve been doing the sickest thing I have ever done.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Relative: “You know how I have been really constipated? Well, I didn’t want to push to hard and pop a stitch, so I just decided to reach up there and pull the poo out.”
Me: “So are you telling me you stuck your finger up your butt and dug your crap out? Was it squishy?”
Relative: “That’s exactly what I’m saying. It wasn’t squishy though. It was so hard that my finger barely made a dent in each nugget. I had to dig in there all the way up to my knuckles to get something out. I have actually done this about five times! No matter how many times I wash my hands after, but finger smells like poo!”
Me: “Why don’t you wear rubber gloves?”
Relative: “AH CRAP I didn’t think about that!”
Seriously. She has been digging her crap out with her bare fingers. It is amazing what having a baby will cause you to do, all for the love of a child. I wasn’t judging though – I could see her predicament. I’m just glad I have never had to do anything that nasty.
April Fools Day is coming mighty quick (less than a week!). That means you have approximately five days to come up with your jokes, tricks, etc for all of your family and coworkers. Let me offer you some great advice – dump your love of AFD all over. That’s right, leave people a present. Let me tell you a quick story.
A cousin of mine was a pretty cool kid in school – smart, funny, talented, witty, and handsome. The perfect high school storm! Of course that came with haters, particularly those people who were vying for the same attention as he. One day he realized that a particular kid who was always trying to up him was throwing a huge party at his house, and my cousin had not been invited. The normal response? Teenage depressing, self questioning and maybe anger. My cousin’s response? I think I’ll take a dump in his house. And that is what he did. He walked in to the party, jumped on the white couch, dropped his drawers, squeezed out a log, and calmly walked out with his pride in tact.
So why don’t you play a joke on someone you loath this April Fools Day by leaving them a dump in a strategic place – the mailbox, car seat, on their newspaper, wrapped in a pretty box, etc. Nothing says April Fools like a dump!
I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and giving birth a lot recently – not because I am giving birth (I am male), but because my wife will be doing it soon with our second and a close relative just squeezed out a baby within the last few hours. What a glorious moment! I remember when my first son was born, I was entranced just staring into his dark, black eyes as he fixed his vision on your face where he could hear your voice. It was a magical 30 minutes before the little guy got tuckered out and went to sleep.
But not all elements of giving birth are glorious, including taking a huge, fat dump while you are pushing that sucker out. You don’t believe me? Well, its true. Check out this quote from a Parent Dish article regarding labor fears.
“What people who have never had a baby need to know is that pushing out a baby is exactly the same as pushing out the biggest BM of your life. You are using all the same muscles to bear down on the baby. It makes sense that other, uh, stuff (besides a baby) is going to work its way out of your body”
Yep people, its true. While giving birth, you may just squirt out a gigantic thud of a doogan all over the floor. While this article tends to make it sound like its no big deal…they are sugar coating it. Taking a duke in front of everyone is crazy. If at all possible, take a duke as close to going into the hospital as possible. But if it can’t be avoided, try to laugh it off by saying “ah crap” or something. Maybe it will deflect the reality that you just dumped in a nurse’s hands.
I love dogs, but I will never own one until I have a proper yard for it. Many people would agree with me on this, but for completely different reasons then my own. The common argument for not owning a dog in the city is that its inhumane to keep them in a tight space and that they need to be free to roam around and run and be an animal. I don’t really give a crap about that. What I DO give a crap about is the fact that owning a dog in the city requires that I pick up its feces with my hands. THAT is why I will never own a dog until I have a yard.
Seriously, what is more disgusting in today’s society then sitting there watching your dog take a dump and then reaching down with a plastic bag to pick it up? Maybe cleaning up after a baby – but its a BABY for heaven’s sake. A human child. This is a dog. It should be able to take a sweet dump in private (like the rest of us) and then have us clean it up with a shovel later when its hard and cold, not warm and squishy. I have had to do this a few times and feeling that warmth against my palm as my fingers dig into the squishy sides is absolutely wrong, and I’m ashamed that so many of us humans are willing to do it three or more times a day.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! We often think of St. Patrick’s day and leprechauns and a lucky pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Well, you know what the ultimate form of luck is? If you take a dump ON St. Patrick’s Day and that dump is green – then you, my friend, are in for the best year of your life. Only good things will happen to you.
I swear I am not making this up. Now go shat and find out your fortune!