Posts Tagged ‘science’

Whale Poo – Thar’ She Blow

February 27, 2012 2 comments

I was recently blown away by a gigantic log that I was able to drop. I was shocked at my talent and surprised that something that large could come out of me. Which got me thinking…about mammals.

You see the size of poop is super amazing. Why else would they have put a massive dinosaur boulder crap in the movie Jurassic Park? Because Spielberg is a genius and he knew that it would capture America! We are fascinated by poop and especially poop from other creatures.

For example did you know that tiny little dust mites in their 30 day lifespan poop 200x their weight in sweet shat feces. I swear there are so many interesting facts about poop that if there was a PhD in poopology I would quit everything I am doing to apply.

So my massive poop got me thinking about huge poop and got me curious about what a blue whale shat is like. Consider that the whale is a mammal like you and me but Mr. Blue Whale eats tons of krill on a daily basis. Each log must be the size of a human man don’t you think? Here is what I found: Whales shat pure liquid feces! Did anyone know this? Does it smell? What would it be like to have perpetual BU? Do they even have an anus or has it atrophied over the evolutionary years since it has no use? Are these whale BU shat’s the cause of the occasional rogue wave that suddenly rises up when the rest of the waves are status quo?


Sphincter Replacement Therapy

October 24, 2011 2 comments

Let’s be honest people….sometimes machines just do it better.  sometimes the animal kingdom does it better.  Regardless I am not so proud as a human being to not be incredibly jealous of either machine powers or animal powers that I wish I had.  I am on record as saying I wish I could fly over  almost any other power available to animal or machine on this  Earth.

However, the 1 thing I am MOST jealous of is the animal sphincter.

Now don’t go all Darwin on me and get crazy about how humans  have evolved well beyond our closest cousins and so forth.  There is no doubt  that the human as an animal crushes all others.  However, if I had to choose  between a dog sphincter and my own I am going DOG all the way.

You see  somewhere along the way our sphincters devolved into this weak, pansy muscle  that can barely hold back our own dukes.  Instead evolving into a self-cleaning  machine that can lay cable all day long and smell like a rose after, the human  sphincter has become saucy (literally poo sauce) and weak.  It cannot function without getting greased by the log to which it gives birth.  Therefore we as human, with our advanced brain, figured out a way to use leaves, grass, and other objects to clean ourselves, giving our sphincters an out and a reason to be flaccid and namby-pamby.

Essentially our sphincters are pedestrian at best and this disappoints me.  How much easier would life be if we could crap like dogs?  Got an urge to purge…just pop a squat in the park, drop a deuce, and move on with life.  Think of the time you would save – we would probably be living on Mars by now if not for the wasted time wiping our flimsy sphincters.

No more hole rot EVER?  How do we waste billions of dollars ever year building bridges to nowhere and funding fruitless medical research when we could be reverse engineering a human sphincter that could be surgically installed and more powerful than any animal.  We can circumnavigate the globe with ease but cannot go a single shat without wiping due to substantial tissue rot and damage?  Seriously?  This is wrong and I want it rectified immediately!

Law of Least Resistance and the Lazy Fart

October 3, 2011 Leave a comment
Let’s be honest – farts are lazy.  Just look at how it follows the Law of Least Resistance.  Quickly…a definition of said law:
This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or “do less and accomplish more.” Nature’s intelligence functions effortlessly, frictionlessly, spontaneously. It is non-linear; it is intuitive, holistic and nourishing.
Farts are the perfect example of “nature’s intelligence” (whatever the F that is) because it completely follows the law of least resistance.  I first noticed this law in action when I would go skiing growing up.  For some reason, any time I farted on the chairlift the smell would be infinitely more intense and nastilicious than when I farted in any other situation.  I thought maybe it was the granola bars and soda…but I finally realized that the reason it was so intense was that the fart air was concentrated and leaking out the top of my jacket directly into my nose.  You see, ski clothes are very thick and even fart air struggles to get through it.  So what does it do?  It lazily floats upward until it finally finds a hole to escape from – which happens to be right at my neck at the top of my jacket.
My wife doesn’t buy into this theory, but it’s totally true.  When I fart in bed, I encourage her to push the sheets down in between us so that the smell will stay on my side and leak into my face instead of hers.  But she doesn’t heed that warning, calling my theory of least fart resistance dumb.  This, of course, is to her own detriment.  The fart air then easily passes in the open air under our sheet between our bodies and into her face.
Has anyone else seen this in action, and even better, taken advantage of its powers?

A Call to All Engineers! Help Resolve Urine Dew Problem

September 12, 2011 1 comment

I am disappointed in society for only one thing.  Sure we have our faults (racism, poverty) and have screwed up often enough but we have also done a lot of amazing things.  This is not meant to be a history lesson but America crushed it during the manufacturing revolution.  We can make crap and we can make it good.  Blending science and technology are what we do best.  We put a man on the moon with a roll of duct tape and abacus for crying out loud.

Which brings me to my disappointment with society.  The other day I had drained a couple of soda’s and finally get a chance to relieve the pounding going on in my bladder.  I hit the urinal and quickly unleash my fury upon its vertical walls.  Immediately my arms begin to generate a serious urine dew.  Urine dew is similar to morning dew except instead of water its urine and instead of grass its the hair on my forearms.  I angle to the left and right, take a step and half backwards, and still the urine dew accumulates.  I was screwed.  There was nothing I could do besides either cut off my firehose mid-stream and sprain something, possibly exploding my own penis, or accept my fate.

Unfortunately this was not an isolated incident.  Every man has multiple urine dew experiences.  In fact I would say it happens more often than not anymore.  I mean how hard is it to develop a urinal that does not generate urine dew?  Engineers of the world unite!  Lets get this right.  You can’t tell me that we are able to hook up machines that can suck every ounce of milk from a cow udder without spilling a single drop and we can’t eliminate urine dew.  I refuse to believe!  Why else does MIT exist but to solve these important issues?  If NASA has a crapper for space that suction’s poo out of your anus since gravity isn’t around to help you out THEN we can eliminate urine dew!  Who’s with me?

Ghost Poo vs. Phantom Poo

August 16, 2011 3 comments

I am always asked the difference between a ghost poo and phantom poo.  This is one of life’s critical pieces of knowledge that separates the have’s and the have-not’s.  Allow I, Papa Squat, the opportunity to shat knowledge upon you.

The distinction is quite clear.  A ghost haunts you, tries to scare you, but most importantly leaves a trace, evidence of its evil deeds.  The phantom is completely mysterious, is shrouded in secrecy, makes you wonder if what you witnessed even happened in the first place.  Also, ghosts are a dime a dozen but the phantom may be a once in a lifetime experience.

Let me explain.

A ghost poo is a log that hits water and slides into the porcelain downspout – hidden from view.  Its hiding from you but left plenty of evidence to haunt you, a streak at the bottom of the toilet, a stain upon your toilet paper, the smell in the air.  Everything to let you know the ghost has passed and he will return.  While rare, everyone has had this experience.  I believe the universal quote is “Wait, where did it go?”

But the phantom poo is something totally different.  You think something happened but you can’t prove it  It leaves you with an eerie feeling.  You think you heard a splash in the toilet but you are not sure.  The bowl is pristine, your toilet paper slightly shredded from your dry anus.  Go ahead and light a match my friend, but there is no methane to burn.  In fact, the air smells better than before you entered.  You are confident that your bowels have emptied yet there is NOTHING to prove your deed.  This is the phantom!

Which begs the question – If a man drops a log in the bathroom but there isn’t any evidence…did it happen?

Dr. Colonic – Squeezing my way into your life

June 10, 2011 3 comments


Sorry, I just came out of the on-call room after squeezing out a semisolid wonder. Not a thick rectum-stretcher, not one of those after-pulsators that deliver their pleasure in a fading echo, no—but highly satisfying nonetheless: a near-fluid duke, making the journey from intra-rectal to extra- in less than a half-second, delivering an almost supersonic emptiness high. Shudder: intense. The sequelae of my pepperoni and sausage with a lot of hot sauce.

But enough. I’m not trying to get you all up and jealous. This post isn’t even about you anyway.

I’m DrColonic, yes a for-reals doctor who managed to somehow make it through interviews for both medical school and residency despite my love for creating hilarious awkward social situations via my well-placed inappropriate comments. It’s not that I don’t understand social norms (I think), but shock-educating people out of their comfort zones via knowledge/references to their body is just too hilarious to pass up. Interestingly, I still have friends, and when one of them invited me to share my wisdom about the amazing world of our butts, it was difficult to pass up.

I have to read (or at least pretend to read) a steaming pile of scientific studies for this job, and since my brain is often in that mode, you will most likely be exposed to many liberally paraphrased chunks of academia from journals such as the Annals of Fecology (copyright on that name: mine), mixed with my own inappropriate insight. One of my goals is to teach you the Art of Awkward  Conversation Using the Gastrointestinal and Genitourinary System, since I can only write on this blog and can’t be there with your soon-to-be-smaller circle of friends via the Internet. Note: I plan to make this technology available as soon as possible (working title: Doctor Colonic’s Insta-Blog Virtual Presence). Until then, you have only my words to help you along the path.

Sit down son. We need to talk about Inflammatory Bowel Disease.

Pictured: impolite conversation.

“Yeah my bathroom is just down that hall. Did you know the rectum is just a big vault for your poo?”

This is gold, people.

Or maybe I shouldn’t set up any goals, since that means you have to work to achieve them. Hmmm. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I told you I was on call, and so should get back to work. There’s a patient here with a highly inflamed rectum on his CT scan. I can only imagine the generous volume he must create. Tip: do not make jokes about inflamed rectums when one so inflicted is in the room.