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Posts Tagged ‘shat’

Happy Saint Shattrick’s Day!

March 17, 2012 2 comments

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone!  We often think of St. Patrick’s day and leprechauns and a lucky pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Well, you know what the ultimate form of luck is?  If you take a dump ON St. Patrick’s Day and that dump is green – then you, my friend, are in for the best year of your life.  Only good things will happen to you.

I swear I am not making this up.  Now go shat and find out your fortune!

Share Your Poop Stories!

October 26, 2011 Leave a comment

Hey Poops and Poopettes,

We here at He Shat She Shat are having a great time telling you about our thoughts, musings, experiences and wonderings from the world of poo – but we recognize that there is a whole world of stories that exist out there amongst our readers.  We want to hear it!  Share with us the crazy story about Uncle Jim pooping his pants, or the dude at work that rots up the whole floor.  Its your chance for fame on He Shat, She Shat!

Email me at heshatsheshat@gmail.com and I’ll share your story with the world!  Can’t wait to hear what you crap out.

HSSS

Categories: Humor, Poo Tags: , , , , , , ,

Poop Acid vs Acidic Poo – the Obvious Distinction

September 27, 2011 2 comments

If I was professor of Poopology 101 at Shat University this forthcoming post would be a core lecture topic.  You see I find the distinction between pooping acid and an acidic poop to be rather obvious but through discussions with friends and family I have realized there is a lack of knowledge in society surrounding this important topic.  You think they are the same thing?  Oh how naive of you!  Allow me to share the cliff notes.

Pooping Acid:  You have polished off a nice and tasty Thai dish and overestimated your tolerance for hot a bit.  Nonetheless you are confidence that your insides can handle everything nicely.  However, after a couple of hours your insides are Dancing Like the Stars.  You feel the poo log that had previously existed in your bowels being liquified by the your churning intestines.  Soon the big moment comes and you explode liquid poo acid out of your anus.  The burn is intense but you are able to explode the liquid volume from you in an efficient and quick manner.  A quick extinguishing wipe knocks down the fire and soon you have recovered.

Acid Poop:  You’ve just eaten a spicy Mexican dish full of raging peppers and you nearly had to quench the mouth fire with ketchup and mustard ala Dumb and Dumber.  You are pleased with your dinner but are concerned about the after effects.  You see, the pepper and seeds are not just a spice but actually have some substance to them.  You shudder at the thought of solid pepper chunks and seeds being directly incorporated into a compacted poo log.  The big moment comes.  Fear envelopes your entire body as you realize the truth.  As you push, the solid acid poo smolders through your anus like a bubbling molten lava flow.  As your anus is stretched to give birth to this acidic log from hell, the poo squashes into every crack and crevice, chewing away the top layer of tissue with ease.  You wipe and wipe but the burning does not go away.  It is not until your body can actually re-grow the burnt nerve endings that your pain is finally over.

And you thought there was no difference?!  Enjoy this knowledge and share with a friend!

Like a Sausage or Snake, Smooth and Soft

September 23, 2011 5 comments

Medicine is an inexact science. So inexact, in fact, that doctors have sort of a complex about it. We look at those mathematicians and physicists, with their equations, and their real solutions to things, and we get jealous. So we have to assign numbers to every disease. It happens in every specialty, from gastrointestinology (5 types of bile duct cysts!) to rheumatology to pediatric cardiology. It’s probably the worst in orthopedics though. Seriously, they have to number every freaking type of fracture every which way. Sometimes it makes sense, most the time it’s some dude who wants his name on a research paper. Pretty much every disease, there either is a numerical scale/categorization system or someone is thinking one up, right now.

It should thus come as no surprise to you that there is a numbering system for poo.

I’m sure you can identify with the mindset required (and if not, why are you here?) to sit on a toilet and, pondering the diversity of your dooks, wonder about where they fall in the natural order of the universe. Isn’t there some cosmic scale that can quantify what has only hitherto been qualified?

Yes. Yes there is.

If you can't classify it, don't push it out.

I'll give you a moment to fully take this in.

.It’s called the Bristol Stool Form Scale, and it was created at the Bristol Royal Infirmary in England. Jokes about oral/dental hygiene aside, the British certainly are ahead of us at the other end. According to some sources, types 3-4 are normal, though some sites claim 4-5 are the most desirable types. I guess it depends on how much you enjoy wiping. Yeah, 5 may get through you easier (indicating better colonic motility), but they do require some messy maintenance if you are pushing these out every day.
No one can argue with the awesomeness of type 4 though. There is no greater feeling than, answering the call of your distended rectum, you sit down and feel this sausage-snake slither out. Your anus barely bothers to yawn and you’re done. A single quick wipe with minimal residual and—what are you now going to do with all this extra time? Get work done, spend time with loved ones, play Angry Birds… all great options.

What was previously difficult to categorize and describe in your quest to attain mutual understanding with your friends and family is now as simple as assigning a number. Explaining your scat to doctors was the original purpose of the scale, as this guy tells us:

.Of course, Konstantin may just not realize that people don’t want to talk about their poo with him. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s important that once you now understand the gift you have been given, you use it. Facebook status, Twitter updates, your own personal blog—the world is now open to you. If you think people care about the fact you found a sweet baguette on sale at your local market, they are going to love the fact that you averaged a 3.5 today. How could they not?
Invite me to play Farmville and I'll kill you.

The beginning of another great thread.

.Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a magnificent 4 that’s been waiting patiently to come out while I’ve been writing this.

Celebrate Our 50th Post – Like He Shat, She Shat Today!

August 26, 2011 Leave a comment
In celebration of He Shat, She Shat’s 50th post – we are announcing our launch of the He Shat, She Shat Facebook Page!  In today’s world we often don’t have the time to surf blog’s unless we are on the john and have an iPad.  But somehow we all have time to surf through mindless blubber on Facebook.  Now you can get all your He Shat, She Shat crap conveniently from Facebook, check out our blog posts, and like, like, like to your heart’s content!  Spread the word and watch the dialogue grow – you’d be surprised how much everyone relates to the topics we share on this blog and now through our Facebook page.
 
We look forward to pooping out many more great stories, anecdotes, news and thoughts here on out!  Go to Facebook and search He Shat, She Shat for our page and like it like you are about your soil yourself.
 
Much love and wipes – The He Shat, She Shat team
Categories: Entertainment Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ghost Poo vs. Phantom Poo

August 16, 2011 3 comments

I am always asked the difference between a ghost poo and phantom poo.  This is one of life’s critical pieces of knowledge that separates the have’s and the have-not’s.  Allow I, Papa Squat, the opportunity to shat knowledge upon you.

The distinction is quite clear.  A ghost haunts you, tries to scare you, but most importantly leaves a trace, evidence of its evil deeds.  The phantom is completely mysterious, is shrouded in secrecy, makes you wonder if what you witnessed even happened in the first place.  Also, ghosts are a dime a dozen but the phantom may be a once in a lifetime experience.

Let me explain.

A ghost poo is a log that hits water and slides into the porcelain downspout – hidden from view.  Its hiding from you but left plenty of evidence to haunt you, a streak at the bottom of the toilet, a stain upon your toilet paper, the smell in the air.  Everything to let you know the ghost has passed and he will return.  While rare, everyone has had this experience.  I believe the universal quote is “Wait, where did it go?”

But the phantom poo is something totally different.  You think something happened but you can’t prove it  It leaves you with an eerie feeling.  You think you heard a splash in the toilet but you are not sure.  The bowl is pristine, your toilet paper slightly shredded from your dry anus.  Go ahead and light a match my friend, but there is no methane to burn.  In fact, the air smells better than before you entered.  You are confident that your bowels have emptied yet there is NOTHING to prove your deed.  This is the phantom!

Which begs the question – If a man drops a log in the bathroom but there isn’t any evidence…did it happen?

How Do You Respond to Poo Finger?

August 12, 2011 2 comments

Come on, it has happened to everyone!  There is no doubt that you have experienced the stink finger.  We have all had that joy of cleaning up the red lion only to break through our two-ply barrier and soil ourselves.  However, I refrain from discussing the particulars of this event and instead will focus on the aftermath of this special occasion.

The way I see it there are four major categories of response:

The Freak-Out:  You go insane that your finger is soiled.  You immediately get up from toilet with pants around ankles and waddle to the sink for a good cleansing.  You don’t care that your naked backside is hanging out and possible fecal matter is dropping onto your clothing and tile floor.  You must have the finger clean and nothing else matters!

Mr. Logical:  You realize that it happens.  You still have business to attend to and recognize that you now have a second cleaning job but you may as well take care of job one first.  Anything else would be inefficient and illogical.  X then Y then Z.  You are cool and calm in the face of the stink finger because you have a plan and you will execute it well.

Ambidextrous:  You are talented with both hands.  If one can’t finish the job you simply utilize the other.

The Non-Believer:  You felt the finger frosting AND you can see it there upon your digit.  But you need a third sense to triangulate your thinking.  You subsequently pass finger near nose in an effort to confirm that your finger is poo-laden.  Ahhhh, the smell of confirmation.  Now that you have verified your findings you can move forward and take care of business but not before catching a whiff every time.  If it happens again on the next wipe do you smell again?  Absolutely!  Each wipe is mutually exclusive and requires its own verification.

So how do you handle the foul finger?