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Posts Tagged ‘toilet’

Only a Man Would Understand

I don’t think this picture requires much explanation, unless you are a woman…then there is a good chance you just don’t get it.

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Potty Training – My Greatest Parenting Fear

March 12, 2012 6 comments
I’m terrified of potty training.  Of all the new and terrifying experiences that come with having a child, the one I am most terrified of is potty training.  I remember growing up and having a friend who was “that kid.”  Yes, Ritchie was five and still peed his pants.  I remember sleeping over at his house in a fort we had made.  Half way through the night it smelled so grotesquely of piss that I had to leave the fort and sleep on the cold floor in the opposite corner of the room to escape the smell.  How did that happen to him?  Was it poor potty training? 
 
I have a theory that you have a very small window when a child is ready to be potty trained.  If you start earlier than that window, then you spend the next 3-12 months cleaning up piss and fecal matter from sheets, floors and blankets.  Endless loads of laundry and disrupted sleep.  But if you let the window pass, you end up with a kid who decides that there is no need to be potty trained – that pissing himself will be an acceptable lifestyle for life.  Only the terrible tauntings and wrath of evil little 5-year-olds will change that kids mind.  Until then, its urine city. 
 
So how do you nail it right in the middle of that precious window?  Given my son’s background, I’m thinking that window might last about 42 seconds instead of a few weeks.  I am waiting for the day he says, “I need go potty” and I am going to jump on that crap immediately.  I have this feeling he is going to only ask once…and that’s it. 
 
Seriously, if you have any potty training tips, I’m an empty receptacle waiting for your knowledge donation.

They Have a Soft Chair in the Women’s Bathroom???

January 26, 2012 Leave a comment

Phenomenon to be discussed: Soft comfy chairs in the women’s bathroom. I first became aware of this strange reality at church. I overheard some young girls talking about sneaking into the women’s bathroom at church so they could take a nap on the sofa chair.

WHAT? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. For my 12-year-old brain it didn’t make any sense. What kind of injustice was this?? Why do they get a soft, comfy chair to lounge in that sacred realm and we did not? Trust me, I was outraged for years until I understood that it could be used for breast-feeding.

But just yesterday I learned they have them in the women’s bathroom at work! First of all, there are no babies at our work. In the off-chance you brought your baby, there are mother’s rooms (also the place for pumping). So what use does this chair have? Apparently people take naps on it. Naps. All those feeling of injustice and rage came back in a flood of emotion.

I started my petition for a sofa in the men’s bathroom…and a flat screen TV.

Curse of the 6:30 am Poo

January 14, 2012 2 comments

Instead of sleeping, I am sitting here in the dark taking a dump. It’s Saturday at 6:30. After an exhausting work week, I was so amped for the weekend sleep in. My son magically has been sleeping in until 9am or later…a miracle for anyone with a 2 year old. So why am I not taking advantage?

My poo cycle has slowly moved earlier and earlier, that’s why. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning every day, mixed with earlier dinner times to accommodate my son, has caused my poo time to shift from about 9:30 to 6:30. I woke up this morning and last Saturday with the insatiable need to poo at 6:30.

So here i sit, desperately trying to figure out a way to trick my butt into sleeping in next time. Any suggestions?

Toilet Seat Defamation – Cruel and Unusual Punishment

January 3, 2012 2 comments

There are very few crimes that I believe deserve life imprisonment.  Obviously rape and murder fall into that category.  I’d consider chucking someone’s butt in jail for life if they were heavily involved in child pornography or child abuse.  But I would have no qualms for throwing your butt in jail if you leave your filthy fecal mess and urine droplets all over the toilet seat.  I’m thinking execution if you ruin the corner stall.

What you don’t understand, you sick bastage, is that when you drop your urine on the seat or don’t flush your diarrhea, you basically ruin the stall for everyone until someone comes and cleans it up.  Do YOU go in the stall that has a toilet seat with crap filled to the brim or urine all over it?  No, you don’t.  So why would you leave it that way?  FLUSH for craps sakes!  And if you drop urine everywhere, get some effing toilet paper out and clean that mother up!  When you don’t, you lower the quantity of available stalls for other patrons and cause us to sit closer to each other or, heaven forbid, wait in a men’s bathroom to take a dump.

I think we need to remember the sacred nature of the bathroom and the toilets that we share.  You wouldn’t walk into a fine restaurant with muddy shoes, would you?  So why would you defame a honored and shared space like the toilet?  Is it because you are in a private space and no one can see your actions?  If so, then that speaks a lot to your true character as a human being.  If you are guilty, it is time to make some New Year’s resolutions to quit being such a sleazy douche bag. 

Happy New Years HSSS fans!

American Engineering Shamed, Sadly, By Aruba…

November 10, 2011 1 comment
Papa Squat has been pretty vocal about his hate for Urine Dew.  He even wrote an entire post about this subject.  To remind you, urine dew is similar to morning dew except instead of water its urine and instead of grass its the hair on ones forearms or thighs.  America has shamed us all with its inability to engineer a urinal that eliminates urine dew. 
 
Well, a friend sent me a picture that proves our engineering focus and skills are pitiful when compared to, well, basically anywhere.  He was in Aruba at a Belgian restaurant.  The dude had to take a serious squeege from downing water or Diet Cokes.  So he went into the bathroom and this is what he found:
Amazing.  A gorgeous urinal specifically designed with a convex bulb in the center to direct urine in a way that eliminates urine dew from leaving the protective forces of the porcelain and onto my arms or legs.  He basically claimed it was the greatest invention since the computer or the fountain soda machines you find in a gas station.  Incredible.  But of course he had to leave the country to experience this magic. 
 
America, I thought I could trust you.

Would Your Rather Lick Your iPhone or the Toilet?

November 9, 2011 1 comment

Do you love your phone?  I do!  The Droid puts nearly everything at my fingertips (work, school, family, entertainment, etc).  Yet the media has recently been reporting that the mobile phone, particularly smart phones are laden with germs.  I have seen numerous articles in the past year like this one from Wired citing a Stanford study that found the mobile phone has more germs than a toilet seat.

CLICK HERE FOR STUDY

It wasn’t the first study to demonstrate this and it won’t be the last.  Don’t get me wrong, as a quasi-scientist I believe the data and am fascinated by the subject.  It’s just that I don’t think the civilized world is over the stigma of the toilet/bathroom/bodily functions yet.  The average person simply will not change their behavior even if there are 18 times more germs on their phone than the flush handle in a public restroom and I can prove it with my own study.

I would pay a research subject 20 dollars for a single lick with their tongue.  They could either lick a brand new phone after I play Angry Birds on it for 10 minutes or a brand new toilet site after I drop a load from upon it.  Either you are licking a phone screen recently warmed by my hands/fingers or a toilet seat recently warmed by my naked ass cheeks. 

I predict 9 of 10 would not hesitate to pick the phone screen.  But if my research subjects knew the scientific data that phones are germier than toilet seats do you think they would change their decision?  Absolutely not!  Sadly, the stigma would be too much to overcome.

So, would you pick the phone or the toilet seat?