Feminism Has A New Benefit – Muffled Farts!

Did you know sexism still exists? As the one female contributor to this blog, I can attest to this. I’m not going to discuss blatant misogyny today. Rather, I want to look at the subtle but mightily felt influence of the cosmetics/beauty industry, specifically, the niche of hair removal.

As a naturally hairy woman, I have paid to be tortured—waxed, threaded, lasered, etc., etc.  This isn’t as pleasant as it sounds.

Yet every swimsuit season, I cave in and get a bikini wax. Why I would pay a stranger to lay her hands and hot wax upon me down there remains mystifying. Even more puzzling is the fact that for the last two summers, I’ve gotten my butt waxed. Listen, a lot of women do this.  Do not judge me.

I’m really embarrassed to admit all this because I do consider myself a feminist. I should be above all this stuff. My sister told me that hair exists in the bum crack for a reason, kind of like Darwinism…it’s evolutionary sound. When I pressed her to answer what purpose butt crack hair served to our survival, she had no answer.

Unexpectedly, I discovered the answer just a few days ago.  Butt crack hair serves as a muffler. It silences farts and allows us to pass gas in a crowd, going undetected. We are better able to fit in socially and maintain relationships that are essential to our survival.

Since this last waxing, I can no longer fart silently. It’s physiologically impossible. The consequence is that I now must hold in my farts and deal with bloated belly aches and pains, not to mention a significantly depressed mood.  These are the kinds of situations that make me shake my fists in the air and damn living in a man’s world!

I can’t wait to live in a world where women with hairy butts can hold their heads high and fart as silently as their anal tangles will allow.