Dingleberry Pie

Dingleberry.  Just the mention of that word to a 13-year-old boy and it will send him into uncontrollable laughter and hysterics.  It is the mothership word of many insults, jokes and discussion amongst the young.  But they don’t really get it, do they?  They are 13 – they don’t have hair up in their crack…hair that grasps onto passing logs and rolls up little poo chunks that get entangled within the strands.  They don’t get concrete balls of dump 24 hours old that petrify themselves onto a single strand of hair.
 
They don’t get that dingleberries suck big time – and that dingleberries are a real issue.
 
We all get them – at least all us males do.  No matter how good you wipe or how dedicated you are to washing your crack in the shower, we all get them.  And once they have locked themselves onto your bubes (butt pubes), there is no easy way to get rid of them. You can stand in the shower and rub your hand on your butt hole for minutes at a time in warm water, and that little bastage will hang on for dear life.  If you are me, you will eventually give up and grab the sucker, yanking it out by force.  It hurts like a mother as the poignant pinch sends pain waves up to your brain – but it’s the only way to free yourself of their shame.
 
If someone has an easy way out of this terrible predicament, I am all ears.  Until then, I’ll keep plucking myself as part of a sadomasochistic ritual to just maintain proper butt hygiene.

The Male Equivalent of Childbirth

Recently I experienced one of the more dreaded poo experiences of life and thought I would share…but first an anatomy lesson.

Now ladies, I don’t want to shatter your world here but I feel it is time that someone comes out and just tells it like it is.  We are going to be discussing backsides, primarily male backsides.  Now I know you have seen the movies with the latest hot actor and his sculpted backside being put on full display.  Note:  just as “real” women are not like the stick thin models and actresses flaunted about on TV, nor are most of the average dudes you know like your naked movie actor guy.

Let me ask you a question?  Have any of those man butt’s that you have seen in the movies ever had hair on them?  I didn’t think so but I am here to tell you a lot of dudes have hairy butts and certainly a hairy anus.  This is an indisputable fact!  Recently I witnessed the truth of this fact being unleashed upon an unsuspecting young female and it was as if she had just witnessed a violent crime.  Speechless, heart rate rising, palms sweaty, the world she knew and loved crashing around her.

So let this be a lesson to all ladies – if you cannot handle this truth I apologize but it is time that you knew.  So why the anatomy lesson?

The point of this is that sometimes an anal hair and a poo log combine in just the right way…usually it requires the poo to be extremely slow-moving but soft enough initially to allow hair integration.  Once the hair is integrated the poo hardens with a vice-grip like grasp on your anal hair.  As the peristaltic motion slowly urges the poo out of your colon you feel a sharp prick, like a pin being applied to the innermost flesh of your own buttocks.  This pinprick stays for seconds to minutes as the anal hair is stretched to its maximum length, its roots pulling your sensitive inner anus skin along with it until….POP…..

You may have child-birth but we have constipated anal hair rippage and let me tell you it’s a b*tch!

Does Your Poo Splash You?

A perfectly executed poo is a thing of beauty.  Like an Olympic diver off the 33 foot platform, the perfectly executed duke enters the water at such an angle as to generate minimal splash.  In the sport of diving this technique requires years of training and dedication yet our bodies have mastered it intuitively.  Fat or skinny, young or old, I would argue that we are all gold medalists at the sport of poo diving.  In fact, our body’s daily waste removal is so flawless and done with such perfect technique that the dreaded SplashBack rarely rears its ugly head.

Unfortunately for me, today was one of those ugly days.  For some unknown reason our bodies are capable of efficiently packing a poo log so tightly against the sides of our own colons that there is no room for gas to escape.  This leads to a collection of explosiveness directly behind the well-sealed poo log that, when released, rocket propels the poo log out of your anus and into the toilet water with such force that the ensuing tidal wave of water reaches up and kisses you on the anus and buttocks.  Although the cool urine/poo water is thrilling and refreshing it also pisses me off because I now have to not only wipe the sphincter but also the cheeks which can be tricky if you want to keep your hands dry and unsoiled.***

While extremely rare, there is a subtype of the standard SplashBack which deserves to be mentioned.  I call it the Greg Louganis.  Louganis is possibly the greatest Olympic diver ever, yet even he would occasionally drop a horrendous splash due to a freak occurrence like smashing his head on the diving board or platform as demonstrated in this video.

Most of the time the Greg Louganis is caused by one of the following:

Excessive log length and/or girth

Improper sitting angle

L or J-shaped log

Anus hair entanglement

Inconsistent sphincter contraction

One or more of these issues results in an improper release, modifying natural log trajectory and generating a baby tsunami straight into your backside.  Combine the two forms of SplashBack and you could literally be lifted from the porcelain and smash through the drywall of your ceiling.

***Now, please do not think that a liter of liquid diarrhea being rocketed by explosive gas at 100 MPH from your anus qualifies as SplashBack – your cheeks/balls getting juiced by your own feces is something completely different.  SplashBack is only on the table when poo hits water then water hits anus.  More on violent spray poo will be discussed in future blog posts, I assure you.

Feminism Has A New Benefit – Muffled Farts!

Did you know sexism still exists? As the one female contributor to this blog, I can attest to this. I’m not going to discuss blatant misogyny today. Rather, I want to look at the subtle but mightily felt influence of the cosmetics/beauty industry, specifically, the niche of hair removal.

As a naturally hairy woman, I have paid to be tortured—waxed, threaded, lasered, etc., etc.  This isn’t as pleasant as it sounds.

Yet every swimsuit season, I cave in and get a bikini wax. Why I would pay a stranger to lay her hands and hot wax upon me down there remains mystifying. Even more puzzling is the fact that for the last two summers, I’ve gotten my butt waxed. Listen, a lot of women do this.  Do not judge me.

I’m really embarrassed to admit all this because I do consider myself a feminist. I should be above all this stuff. My sister told me that hair exists in the bum crack for a reason, kind of like Darwinism…it’s evolutionary sound. When I pressed her to answer what purpose butt crack hair served to our survival, she had no answer.

Unexpectedly, I discovered the answer just a few days ago.  Butt crack hair serves as a muffler. It silences farts and allows us to pass gas in a crowd, going undetected. We are better able to fit in socially and maintain relationships that are essential to our survival.

Since this last waxing, I can no longer fart silently. It’s physiologically impossible. The consequence is that I now must hold in my farts and deal with bloated belly aches and pains, not to mention a significantly depressed mood.  These are the kinds of situations that make me shake my fists in the air and damn living in a man’s world!

I can’t wait to live in a world where women with hairy butts can hold their heads high and fart as silently as their anal tangles will allow.