Dr. Colonic – Squeezing my way into your life

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sorry, I just came out of the on-call room after squeezing out a semisolid wonder. Not a thick rectum-stretcher, not one of those after-pulsators that deliver their pleasure in a fading echo, no—but highly satisfying nonetheless: a near-fluid duke, making the journey from intra-rectal to extra- in less than a half-second, delivering an almost supersonic emptiness high. Shudder: intense. The sequelae of my pepperoni and sausage with a lot of hot sauce.

But enough. I’m not trying to get you all up and jealous. This post isn’t even about you anyway.

I’m DrColonic, yes a for-reals doctor who managed to somehow make it through interviews for both medical school and residency despite my love for creating hilarious awkward social situations via my well-placed inappropriate comments. It’s not that I don’t understand social norms (I think), but shock-educating people out of their comfort zones via knowledge/references to their body is just too hilarious to pass up. Interestingly, I still have friends, and when one of them invited me to share my wisdom about the amazing world of our butts, it was difficult to pass up.

I have to read (or at least pretend to read) a steaming pile of scientific studies for this job, and since my brain is often in that mode, you will most likely be exposed to many liberally paraphrased chunks of academia from journals such as the Annals of Fecology (copyright on that name: mine), mixed with my own inappropriate insight. One of my goals is to teach you the Art of Awkward  Conversation Using the Gastrointestinal and Genitourinary System, since I can only write on this blog and can’t be there with your soon-to-be-smaller circle of friends via the Internet. Note: I plan to make this technology available as soon as possible (working title: Doctor Colonic’s Insta-Blog Virtual Presence). Until then, you have only my words to help you along the path.

Pictured: impolite conversation.

“Yeah my bathroom is just down that hall. Did you know the rectum is just a big vault for your poo?”

This is gold, people.

Or maybe I shouldn’t set up any goals, since that means you have to work to achieve them. Hmmm. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I told you I was on call, and so should get back to work. There’s a patient here with a highly inflamed rectum on his CT scan. I can only imagine the generous volume he must create. Tip: do not make jokes about inflamed rectums when one so inflicted is in the room.

Hu Phlung Pu – Girl’s DO Poop!

Look, all you need to know about me is that I take my BMs pretty seriously. Let me lay this down for you. I wake up. I come to. I walkover to the toilet. I sit down. I immediately poop. I wipe my butt. I use a mad crazy combo of toilet paper and wet wipes. I flush. I wash my hands. I walkover to the mirror and admire a flatter tummy.  Twenty minutes later, I poop again. Yes, I always poop at least twice by 10AM. Every day, no exception. If you’re super jealous and already hate me because I poop twice before noon, then get ready to spit nails.

When all is said and done, I poop 3-5 times a day. Can you even fathom the beauty of it all? Because I frequent the “porcelain god” so often, I’ve developed a true fascination for feces. I never turn down the opportunity to talk about poop in all its shapes and forms. I love a good poop story and plan to tell many on He Shat, She Shat.

My hope is to bring a strong female perspective to this blog.  Some topics I plan to explore include, “When is it okay to fart in front of your boyfriend?” “How will I know when it’s the right time to allow my lover to walk in whilst I poop?” “Is there a downside to BMing?” And so on, and so forth.

I’m honored to be a contributor on this blog. Three cheers for poop!

From the Logs of Doogan Howser – an Intro

Greetings from the shadows of the everlasting porcelain throne stall. By way of introduction I am Doogan Howser MD and I am pleased to be a part of this noble endeavor of discussing the world of dooking. Due to my stubborn bowels, I spend about an hour a day on the pot taking care of business. So while I am not a real doctor, in the traditional sense of the word, I feel more than qualified to opine on the matter. Maybe you could say that the MD stands for Mad Diarrhea or Messy Dumps. You choose. I hope to assist in bringing to light what has long been kept hidden behind closed doors of graffiti-covered stalls. And you can rest assured that every one of my posts will be written whilst sitting upon the can.

Come, Papa Squat

Listen up world; everybody does it so get over yourself.  Do not follow this blog religiously in shame but embrace the bodily functions that tie us all together.  I call it the Great Common Denominator, that which is shared by everyone (and everything) in this world.  Muslim or Christian, Gay or Straight, Black or White, Male or Female – everybody has the need to pop a squat and take care of business.  Whether you do that in a rice field, a porcelain throne or in your own pants, everybody does it.  From the lowest scum of society to Hollywood icons to the royal monarchy: everybody has done it, is doing it, and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives.  Just as we are all human, so must we all evacuate our bowels.  The variety of experience surrounding this event is so complex and fascinating that it deserves significant attention and respect.

So why must there be so much shame, stigma, and societal taboo around something that is integral to our daily lives and common amongst us all?  In a world where everything is on the internet, why is excrement pushed into the dark alleys and wastelands of our society?  No longer!  Rise up with us and flush away the insanity of it all.  Embrace this peristaltic movement as we churn through the most fascinating topics not being discussed.  Give the bowel movement and its surrounding culture your attention and respect.  This blog will be your siren song and together we shall make beautiful music.

My name is Papa Squat and like many of you I have been taking care of business for multiple decades.  I consider myself to be someone with eclectic interests ranging from the popular to the obscure.  What Ken Jennings is to Jeopardy, Papa Squat is to He Shat, She Shat.  I am your “jack of all trades, master of none.”  I imagine this personality will come through in my writing and topic discussion.  Topics will range from a technical analysis on colorectal angles to the use of cell phones in the bathroom (public vs. private, urinal vs. stall) and beyond.  I am not afraid to discuss the most taboo of subjects yet hope to do so while maintaining some humor, style, and grace.  Join me as we laugh, cringe, and learn together – there is much to discuss.

One Explosive Epiphany

Everyone has the occasional epiphany throughout their lifetime; whether or not they act on their insight is a completely different story.  Mine came to me several years ago while I was enjoying my scheduled 10am dump at work.  I had been taking the same poo break at 10am in the same stall every day for almost a year.  Talk about digestive regularity at its finest!  That morning my stall was taken, so I chose the next available one and proceeded with my duties – multitasking with a text and dump at the same time.  I became aware of something inscribed in the stall door in front of me.  It was the crudely drawn outline of a naked woman with gigantic breasts and an even worse, a poorly drawn penis.

And that’s when it hit me (not the penis, the epiphany).  It wasn’t necessarily the drawing itself, but the fact that the drawing existed in the first place.  I work in an office made up almost entirely of MBA or PhD graduates – the most educated of society.  In the secret seclusion of the bathroom stall, a coworker had found within them the childish necessity to scribble out some nudity on the wall.  Why?  Did he tell coworkers about it or was it completely secret?  What else happened in the confined walls of the public bathroom that wasn’t discussed?  Soon I was finding hundreds of fascinating questions (and answers!) about bathroom culture.  How come these conversations weren’t part of my normal conversation with other people?  Because outside of those walls there is a barrier, an unspoken law that says personal potty talk can never be civilized and is not for educated adults like myself.  I realized that I couldn’t disagree more.

So in order to act on my insight, I have decided to create this blog:  HeShatSheShat.  It’s a place where five educated adults, both male and female, will discuss their insights, thoughts, feelings and questions about the bathroom.  Because of the stigma behind the subject, we will be writing under pen names.  Some of us are interested in poo while others may focus on the culture of the public restroom – but in the end it will revolve completely around our bodily functions and the stigma that comes with it.  I have recruited four other educated individuals from around the country to participate and give their own unique perspective.  We have a physician, a social worker, two business professionals and an entrepreneur.  All are adults, all are college educated, and many have families and children.

Now there is a place where you can laugh and learn about the taboo subject that is our butts, balls and bodies without extremely foul language and smut.  Follow us and share us with others you know that will glory in this creation.