What is Your Poo Trigger?

I enjoy a good BM now and again. Actually, about 4 a day. Sometimes 3, sometimes 5. It all depends on how many meals I’ve eaten that day. Because I know that within 10 minutes of finishing a meal, I will have to take a dump. If I miss my post-meal dump, things back up, cramping ensues and it could take a day or so to get back on schedule. I think this is a pretty normal poop trigger. My body knows it has to make room for the food currently being consumed so it sends a signal to the colon to get ready to drop a load. By the time I’m done eating, that load is packaged and ready to be dropped.

My wife on the other hand has a more unique poop trigger. Every time she enters the super store Fred Meyer, her bowels loosen and she has to visit the little girl’s room. Without fail. This doesn’t happen at any other store, grocery or department. Only at Freddy’s. I am currently baffled by this strange phenomenon. It must be a psychological trigger that has developed throughout her life. Kind of a Pavlov’s dog and bell type thing. Something about Fred Meyer has conditioned her body to think it needs to poo. Strange. She does have fond memories of frequenting the store as a child. Picking out back-to-school apparel, buying her first bra, eating at the F.G. Meyer deli. Perhaps it feels like home to her and the only other place outside of our bathroom that she feels completely comfortable taking a crap.

Whatever it is, I can always plan on her coming home a little late when she’s going to Fred Meyer to shop.

Tricks of The Farting Trade – Fart Capturing

It’s an age-old mystery. You let out the rankest, thickest, post-legume eating air biscuit and while everyone around you quickly vacates the premises with a look of sheer disgust, you stand there, liberally breathing in and admiring your thunder from down under. Even as I write this on the dooker, I’m basking in the aroma that fills the room with a sense of accomplishment/comfort. Is it something nature has built into us so we can mark our territory in the wilderness? Or is it something we develop the more time we spend with our gas and poop?

At any rate, this super power we possess opens the door for many opportunities of teasing and torture, my two favorite of which are covered wagons and cup o’ farts. For those unfortunate enough to not know what I’m referring to, allow me to explain. You’re laying in bed with your spouse and have the sudden urge to release some vaporized poo. Not wanting to let this opportunity go to waste, you let it out and before your spouse has the opportunity to exit the bed, you pull the covers over her head and trap her in the foul stench. You have just executed a flawless covered wagon.

Then we have the cup o’ fart. This sly trick can be executed at any time and in any location. All you need is your hand, a ready-to-be-released barking spider and a poor, unsuspecting target. When you’re ready, you drop the stinker into your open palm and quickly close it, trapping in the fart bubbles, only to be released under the nose of the aforementioned target. Years ago, a friend of mine took the cup o’ fart to a whole new level and introduced me to the jar of farts. He successfully trapped a nasty butt trumpet in a mason jar which he let ferment on his bedroom shelf. The concoction was released 6 months later under the nose of his dad who first dry heaved, then chased him around the house, cursing his name.

From the Logs of Doogan Howser – an Intro

Greetings from the shadows of the everlasting porcelain throne stall. By way of introduction I am Doogan Howser MD and I am pleased to be a part of this noble endeavor of discussing the world of dooking. Due to my stubborn bowels, I spend about an hour a day on the pot taking care of business. So while I am not a real doctor, in the traditional sense of the word, I feel more than qualified to opine on the matter. Maybe you could say that the MD stands for Mad Diarrhea or Messy Dumps. You choose. I hope to assist in bringing to light what has long been kept hidden behind closed doors of graffiti-covered stalls. And you can rest assured that every one of my posts will be written whilst sitting upon the can.